Saturday, November 9, 2013

Morning Glory

I never realized how much my past affected my present, and will inevitably affect my future, until I realized who I have now become just this morning.  Once I separated and eventually divorced, I told myself, never again!  Never will I give myself up for the sake of love.   I went on a journey to discover what I was about and what I enjoyed.  I enjoyed seeing the world through my eyes, uninhibited by the opinions of someone who held me hostage mentally.  I thrived and I enjoyed getting to know the me that had been screaming inside.  As I woke up this morning, I realized that I was still a hostage.  Reflecting upon my actions, I have noticed that I am meticulous at time with choices I make so that I wouldn't be judged.  Other times I am cold and won't let emotions get me caught up.  Although there are times of freedom, the times that I am truly unrepressed which is when I am the happiest, these times are short lived.  I check myself and hold back.  I stand stubbornly strong with the idea of never again.  Never again will a man choose for me.  Never again will a man dictate my life or who I am, never again will I care for someone more than I care for myself.  The fear of losing myself is still within me.  I try to combat all the signs of the past by standing my ground. As these "never agains" resurface and stunt my growth, I become bitter.  I also become wishy washy as to what I want, questioning if I am truly happy and if I am, will the guards I have let down to be so, comeback and kick me in the ass.
Caught in the tangles of experiences of good and bad, I stand still.  I haven't written in a while, confused by the fog in my mind of what I truly want.  This post may seem vague, but mimics the mental struggles of learning from a life lived and a life I strive for.  Naming the struggle, admitting that I am still held hostage, ironically has me feeling a bit liberated this morning.   Maybe now as I recognize my patterns and fears,  I can flourish.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Shine!

It's hard to look back at the person I was and admit that I had low self-esteem.   I don't know if it was because of the way I was raised...to be modest and humble, or if it was because of years of dimming my light so not to upset his, maybe it's influenced by both, but I was always shying away from notice or doubting my self worth.  I wore a hard outer shell, which never allowed for anyone to get too close.  The tough exterior hid the timid, fragile being that rested in silence on the inside.  As the years added up, I built a road that led me to self sufficiency and strength.  Through reflection, learning and perseverance, I was able to build confidence. With each stepping stone, I became more aware of my light, and was eager to let it shine.   I may have a funny stroll, but I walk on proudly.  I may stumble over my words, but as many of you know, I keep talking.  The small changes freed me to become comfortable with me.  As I showed glimpses of my light, by just sharing some lessons learned or just by doing my thing, I was surprised to see how people reacted around me.  These small changes I thought I was making for myself, encouraged others.  Who knew?
I have now come to a point where I don't want to cower so I'm not noticed.  Seeing folks smile, or their moods changing for the better, makes me feel good.  When we finally let our own light shine, it inspires others to let their own shine!