In The Shower

I don't know what it is, but as soon as I hit the shower, ideas pour out as if it was the water itself washing over me.  I think from one area of my life to the next.  Ideas that if I had a pen would be seen as profound!  Is profound to deep of a word for me to use about myself?   Shit, I even check myself, and wonder if I am worthy of such words.  Then it got me to thinking, why am I scared of my own brilliance?

I have come to terms with how I lived for so long.   I had practiced and succeeded in dimming my light.   So much so, that now when those ideas seep through my being, I reject and question who am I?  The ideas are uplifting me, and I would hope would uplift others, but I shy away from putting myself out there.  Who am I to do so?
The shower is the one place that no one interrupts my train of thought.  It is the one place that I can be one with the universe and receive the gifts.  Today I found myself laughing at the thought of my life.  People always say being your true self is the only way to be happy, and yet pressures have us succumbing to an idea of what life should be.  Is it selfish of me to want to be myself?  My roles in life dictate who I am, and yet the strength within fights those roles so that I may enjoy me in our physical presence on earth.  I always feel bad or guilty if I don't pick up a phone call from my children while I am writing, so I pick up, and lose my ideas.  Should I jump back in the shower?  Naaah, I'm already very prunny.
Back to those ideas...when will I ever be ready to let my light truly shine?  I have been sitting on a book for most of my life.  It wakes me up at night.  I have written many chapters, yet I let it sit.  I read and reread it, not ready to let it out to the world.  People always ask me, what am I waiting for?  If your not an artist, you won't understand.  Artistry is part of your being.  What if it is not accepted?  What if people don't like it?  What if I am putting too much out there for the world to judge?  What if?  What if...has me a bit stifled.  Although, deep down within me, I know I will be ready one day, as with anything, there is a time and place.   I appease the writer within by writing this blog, or keeping so busy that I don't stop to think about it.  Yet, it lives and breathes.  I'm just hoping that I find strength to let it grow and flourish as it has already germinated.