I never realized how much my past affected my present, and will inevitably affect my future, until I realized who I have now become just this morning. Once I separated and eventually divorced, I told myself, never again! Never will I give myself up for the sake of love. I went on a journey to discover what I was about and what I enjoyed. I enjoyed seeing the world through my eyes, uninhibited by the opinions of someone who held me hostage mentally. I thrived and I enjoyed getting to know the me that had been screaming inside. As I woke up this morning, I realized that I was still a hostage. Reflecting upon my actions, I have noticed that I am meticulous at time with choices I make so that I wouldn't be judged. Other times I am cold and won't let emotions get me caught up. Although there are times of freedom, the times that I am truly unrepressed which is when I am the happiest, these times are short lived. I check myself and hold back. I stand stubbornly strong with the idea of never again. Never again will a man choose for me. Never again will a man dictate my life or who I am, never again will I care for someone more than I care for myself. The fear of losing myself is still within me. I try to combat all the signs of the past by standing my ground. As these "never agains" resurface and stunt my growth, I become bitter. I also become wishy washy as to what I want, questioning if I am truly happy and if I am, will the guards I have let down to be so, comeback and kick me in the ass.
Caught in the tangles of experiences of good and bad, I stand still. I haven't written in a while, confused by the fog in my mind of what I truly want. This post may seem vague, but mimics the mental struggles of learning from a life lived and a life I strive for. Naming the struggle, admitting that I am still held hostage, ironically has me feeling a bit liberated this morning. Maybe now as I recognize my patterns and fears, I can flourish.
