In The Shower

I don't know what it is, but as soon as I hit the shower, ideas pour out as if it was the water itself washing over me.  I think from one area of my life to the next.  Ideas that if I had a pen would be seen as profound!  Is profound to deep of a word for me to use about myself?   Shit, I even check myself, and wonder if I am worthy of such words.  Then it got me to thinking, why am I scared of my own brilliance?

I have come to terms with how I lived for so long.   I had practiced and succeeded in dimming my light.   So much so, that now when those ideas seep through my being, I reject and question who am I?  The ideas are uplifting me, and I would hope would uplift others, but I shy away from putting myself out there.  Who am I to do so?
The shower is the one place that no one interrupts my train of thought.  It is the one place that I can be one with the universe and receive the gifts.  Today I found myself laughing at the thought of my life.  People always say being your true self is the only way to be happy, and yet pressures have us succumbing to an idea of what life should be.  Is it selfish of me to want to be myself?  My roles in life dictate who I am, and yet the strength within fights those roles so that I may enjoy me in our physical presence on earth.  I always feel bad or guilty if I don't pick up a phone call from my children while I am writing, so I pick up, and lose my ideas.  Should I jump back in the shower?  Naaah, I'm already very prunny.
Back to those ideas...when will I ever be ready to let my light truly shine?  I have been sitting on a book for most of my life.  It wakes me up at night.  I have written many chapters, yet I let it sit.  I read and reread it, not ready to let it out to the world.  People always ask me, what am I waiting for?  If your not an artist, you won't understand.  Artistry is part of your being.  What if it is not accepted?  What if people don't like it?  What if I am putting too much out there for the world to judge?  What if?  What if...has me a bit stifled.  Although, deep down within me, I know I will be ready one day, as with anything, there is a time and place.   I appease the writer within by writing this blog, or keeping so busy that I don't stop to think about it.  Yet, it lives and breathes.  I'm just hoping that I find strength to let it grow and flourish as it has already germinated.

Shifting My Gears!

I started out my new school year with much enthusiasm and excitement.  After only a month, my gears are starting to downshift and I'm not liking where it's going.  Life is overwhelming me and I feel as though I am holding my head above water, just enough to take a small breath.  I tend to quiet myself, avoiding others so that I could regain my strength.   I become pensive and others start to wonder about my usual cheery self.  I am trying to counter act all the negatives pulling me down with the positives that I usually find to hold me up, but at this point I need to look for reinforcements!!!

Different avenues for inspiration always seem to find its way to me.  Or maybe I open myself up to such opportunities, but I use the forces to help me move on.  I remember a few years back, I was in tears, but still forced myself to go to the gym.  As I walked on the treadmill, trying to psych myself out for a run, I looked up reading the T-shirt of the girl in front of me.  It said, "Life Goes On!" I laughed out loud, thinking "I know this," but yet I was caught up in self pity that I couldn't get out of my own way.   I ran for 20 minutes, confident in knowing that I was going to get through.

And now, I find myself confused about how to deal or change how things are going.  I feel pulled in many directions and feel obligated to be a certain way, basically type cast in a responsible mother role.  Although many things around me are changing, I feel stagnant and afraid to move.

The other night I was watching television, which I rarely do, but it was that kind of a day.  I caught the end of Iyanla: Fix My Life.  Each episode is about Iyanla helping others solve their problems.  After she summarized the process of that particular episode, she closed the show with her tag line, "Through muddy waters....Stay in peace, not pieces."  Just that few minutes reminded me that I am at peace, even through tribulations.  I am comfortable in my own skin and confident in my skills.
What ever it is, it shall be, and I will be okay, maybe even better on the other side of it!

Help!

As a little girl, my mother didn't do much for me. She guided me, but I did the rest. If I didn't know how to do something, I would ask questions, observe and then apply to my situation. Simple things like setting my hair in rollers to unclogging a toilet or bathtub, became things that I could do, and never had to ask for help. When I became a mother, I knew how to do many things to hold down a fort, to a fault. I am wonderwoman! I would work things out and situations would end up better than expected, because of my creative effort. This characteristic has helped me and helps me survive in many ways. The mind-set I work in is always a positive one. I always believe that I'll work it out. (Don't get me wrong...at times frustrations do take over.) Over the years I have added to my "toolbox" and now feel confident in my skills. Now to speak on this "To a fault" is what has lead me to sometimes being overwhelmed. I believe that I can get everything done for myself and others, but why do I do it? Why am I so stubborn that I can't ask for help? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I have always said that people need people. That's why we have family, friends, cohorts of people around us. I believe this, but yet have a hard time reaching out. I'm trying to work on that starting with my grown children, who sees the wonderwoman and think I'm good, while I'm thinking...Nah I really don't need anything else to do. I want to be one of those people Barbara Streisand sings about in Funny Girl, "People." "People, People who need people, are the luckiest people in the world." After all, wonderwoman had the justice league.

Hold On...

How hard is it to hold true to self when in a relationship? I understand compromising and adjusting to make relationships work, but when is it too much? I think about how folks are attracted to the essence of another, but as soon as they are in a relationship, each one starts to change to conform, thinking that they are helping the relationship. Or as with many relationships, many try to change their partner to better fit their needs or ideas of what they want in a relationship. As a result, sooner or later down the line, one or both people become resentful or are no longer fulfilled in the relationship leading to a breakdown and/or breakups.
As we enter into relationships, we enter in a way that has been affected by previous relationships. Some folks are timid and careful, several go in fully, while others even go in knowing that there is no future in it. Past hurts become present lesson learned and many times building blocks to walls built for protection from those same hurts. Past hurts also work to help us recognize patterns into what can happen in the new relationship, hence the timidness. Depending on how we have dealt with the hurts, it can hurt or help the new relationship.
As we grow and learn about each other, we might be bothered by idiosyncrasies, which, by the way, we once thought was cute, and speak on it. "Why do you always do that?" becoming "Can you not do that!?" Or we might even have disagreements on certain things that we hold dear, like our values, ideals or even on how to best rear children, leading to one hushing their own feelings to make peace. So where does that leave us?
Relationships are important! We should have that one person that knows the inner workings of our being. It's also nice to have someone that you can share and chill with, and is available to you. But, how do we hold on to ourselves and not end up by ourselves?

And You Know This Maaaan!

When we get shocking news, like Whitney Houston is dead at 48, we are then reminded that life is short! (May she rest in peace!) What is it about the way we live, that we forget and take for granted those things that are the most important, like spending time with family and friends, or the fact that we are able to rise up out of our bed and see what the day holds? We make excuses as to why we can't do the simplest thing like paying attention to our life. Many can't see past their own pain and as a result disregard the presence of joy in other things around them. Our own life gets in the way!

Growing up my family was close. So close that we all lived on the same street, for a time the same house. Together my family bought a six family house to house the growing clan. We started to spread out as we got older, but my grandparents remained the center fixture that brought us back together at the end of each day or at least weekends and definitely holidays. We did everything together! I went to high school with so many of my cousins, I believed that that was what everybody did. (I don't know if that's saying much, since we Cape Verdeans are all related...lol) My friends were my cousins. My mother repeatedly said, "If they didn't, you couldn't!" The presence of family was always all around me. My grandparents wanted it that way! After they passed, my family wasn't the same. There was no center to unite us. Everyone was doing their own thing, putting on the back burner what we were accustomed to most of our lives. It wasn't until after our youngest uncle passed unexpectedly, at forty nine years of age, that most of us realized how we neglected our bond. We regained our composure as family and had to plan to get together to insure that we continued what was important to us, FAMILY! We started monthly brunches and other get togethers. It does take effort, but it is all the more worth it, because once we get together we don't want to part!

It is in death that we are reminded of those things that we knew were important to us. We all know that life is short. We all know that our time is precious. We all know that we are not promised tomorrow. Set aside prejudice and pettiness, grudges and grief, and take hold of friendship and family, peace and love. In the end we all want the same thing, to love and be loved.
Let's not wait until we lose some one.

All Alone in the Moonlight

What do you with the pictures, gifts, and other knickknacks from a previous relationship? If it was a life you had, how do you erase all of it because it didn't work out? After all, how we change and progress is affected by the life we lived and are living. Do all the sentiments get thrown out and scattered so that we don't have to think about it anymore? What do you do? Do you go to the same restaurants, do the same activities and have the same discussions with the new person? What if those things were some of your favorite things that you shared and now feel some kind of way about bringing in someone new. Is it disrespecting your ex-relationship and what you had with that person? What do friends and family think when now there is a different person on your side? Are folks uncomfortable because they had forged a friendship with the previous person? Will they be opened to the new person in your life or will they feel apprehensive?

Artifacts leave behind what happened, that way we can learn from what life was like as we put the pieces together, and perhaps avoid making the same mistakes.

Or do you scratch all the awkwardness of it all and stand alone?

Drink in the Moments!

It can always be worse! Life gives us lemons and most of us try our best to make lemonade, but others sulk in the misery of the bitter taste. If I stop a moment and let life's to do's and got to's sink in I would drown. Although sometimes I feel I am just at the surface with my head above water, at the very least I can swim! Problems will come and go. If it's not one thing, it's another. We all know this! So why is it that when those problems arise, some of us lose it, letting our problems control us. Our attitudes change. Our actions are lead by emotions, which may mean that we just cussed out our bffs or yelled at our mothers, (God forbid!)
Sometimes problems are out of our control and sit in the hands of others that may or may not realize they are tampering with our happiness and peace. What can we do? Well, if we can't change it, move on. Find other ways to solve the problem. Get help if necessary. I know this is a difficult task, being one of those stubborn "I got this" women. Which is ironic, because I'm a strong believer in the fact that people that come into, and some may stay, in your life are the people God intends for us, as He intends us for them.

I can sit here and write about my issues that swirl around me as we "speak", but I will spare you, and myself for that matter, because as my fore-mentioned statement "it can always be worse." I'm chillin' with some mimosas, waiting for my chicken and mushroom frittata to be ready. My kitchen smells delectable, my heater is purring keeping me warm, and my children (my grown ass children) are within earshot, minus Sam who is at school working hard on another successful dean's list worthy semester. What more can I ask for?

Make the lemonade, dress it up with umbrellas and garnish, even if we have to spike it from time to time, but remember it can always be worst.