Be Happy! :)

Last year I had a bout with what my doctor thought was rheumatoid arthritis (RA). If you don't know what that means you are lucky! Rheumatoid arthritis is a form of inflammatory arthritis and an autoimmune disease. For reasons no one fully understands, in rheumatoid arthritis, the immune system – which is designed to protect our health by attacking foreign cells such as viruses and bacteria – instead attacks the body’s own tissues, specifically the synovium, a thin membrane that lines the joints. As a result of the attack, fluid builds up in the joints, causing pain in the joints and inflammation that’s systemic – meaning it can occur throughout the body. (http://www.arthritis.org/) Each morning I would wake up with pain in different parts of my body. At a point I couldn't even use my hands. I struggled in pain to do everything. Basic things that we don't think about like walking or tying our shoes was a feat. I cringed at the thought of clasping my bra in the back. OUCH! I couldn't do anything! But of course being a mom, one really has no choice but to do! I did everything but slower. I must admit though I did skip cooking dinner a few times. Anywho, because I was physically suffering, it started to mentally mess with me. I stopped going to the gym, swimming was a no go with sore shoulders. Even my walks by the water became a painful task so I stopped all together.

Physical activities release a lot of stress and tension and clears my mind or at the very least helps me put things into perspective. Without it, I found myself sinking into some kind of depression. I just wanted to sleep and didn't want to be around anyone. Many folks that knew me well worried that I was not my usual happy-go-lucky self. It was pretty bad. I kept thinking how was I going to be able to live like this? I was sulking and feeling bad for myself. I hated myself for allowing me to slip into a funk, so I decided to take control of it. I went to a specialist to get his opinion on my diagnosis. I was hopeful when he said that my body may fight it and it may go away with little or no damage to my joints. I started researching RA, and looked at what kinds of foods, exercises and supplements would help. I figured thousands of people live with RA so why should I have self pity. Days which I felt better, I forced myself to swim or go for a walk. Little by little I strengthened my spirit and started believing that I would be ok no matter what happens.

I had to start taking my own advice: mind over matter. State of mind influences how one deals with situations. There were certain things which I started to come to terms with, like I probably wouldn't be able to use my four inch heels anymore or do my strength training at the gym. It could've been worse. Although slow, I was able to walk. I would smile each morning as I would test out my hands and they would actually make a fist without pain. Days that were more painful I decided would be my relaxing days, so I stretched out like a cat on my bed, found a comfy position and would nap hoping to wake up feeling better.

Although I suffered, I did learn to be happy for the things I was able to do, and was grateful that I wasn't worse off. I was happy to be able to move freely some mornings, and even laughed at myself as I walked like an old lady to the bathroom other mornings. I was happy to be able to take hold of my mental state so that I was then able to deal with whatever was ailing me. Now I am back at it, wearing my heels and happy as can be. Keyword? You guessed it, Happy! Be Happy for the little things and the rest shall follow!

Don't Worry! :)

I worried a little bit trying to get my sons off to their respective schools and stressed that I wouldn't be able to get everything done. I made mental lists, lists on my phone, lists on the computer, and lists on a notepad, just so I wouldn't forget anything. Each night I went to bed wondering how I was going to make it all happen, and woke up each morning with the same thought. I was driving myself and my children crazy. This is when talking to yourself comes in handy. (Sometime I wear headphones so people think I'm singing..lol) I took hold of my worries and stress and told myself, "Jos, doesn't it all work out each time? No matter how much you try to control things, you already know things will happen as they should." That's when I let go. I have faith in a higher being that has had my back all along, I have faith in myself when it comes to push and shove, and I have faith in my children to do what they need to do (sometimes with a little nudge.) The worries and stress fell to a workable level and I kept it moving, checking things off my lists! Some worrying might be healthy, but when it is controlling you and not letting you breathe, it becomes hazardous. Things get done, and folks move on to new worries and stresses, but instead of letting them be worries and stresses, take it as experiences. Mind over matter is what I always say. Sometimes I forget and I do have to remind myself, but with a positive mindset, I feel empowered to do what I got to do, knowing that I will be okay. And now, here I find myself sitting on my porch, feeling a calm breeze, knowing that my sons are okay, (with my girls at my heels, wondering if it's their turn to get ready for back to school), and I'm back on my blog. Things all work out how it's supposed to in the end.

Five Minute Fix!

A mother's role is the toughest role ever! Mothers have to make sure that their kids are fed, (refer to my older post "What's For Dinner?"), teach manners (many are forgetting this one!), make sure homework is completed and that all the school papers are signed, laundry is done and routines are established to keep a home running smoothly. Good for those who are lucky enough to have assistance from a significant other, but it is still a tough job.
That being said, it takes about five minutes for me to throw on some eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss. I fluff up the do and I'm good to go. It doesn't take much time to look put together. Looking at old pictures, I see that I was once a victim of mommyhood, but no more. I remember feeling so heavy and disillusioned after each child. I would lose hope of ever finding my self-esteem and then like magic it would reappear. As the kids got older, I noticed that they'd mimic everything I'd do, realizing that I was their example. I see many mommies these days who use all of their energy taking care of their babies. Many look disheveled, tired and just worn out, but in contrast their children look put together and happy. I also hear many of these mothers sounding resentful when they say things like, "before I had kids I used to be hot", or "before I had kids I used to get my hair did every weekend". Once many women become mothers, they forget about themselves. The weight one puts on to create this child doesn't help the situation either. Your body may change, but the essence of womanhood is still present.
Letting go of yourself to be a mommy is a no-no. Attention maybe paid to your child or children, but remember they learn most from watching you. If you care about yourself, they will care about themselves. It's important to remember that although we maybe mommies, we are still women. You are a person without the kiddies, besides if you have a man, he needs to feel that you care about his needs too, and one also needs to think about once your kids are grown and gone, what are you going to do if your identity depended on your children?
My advice is to get basic. Fit in a five minute fix up before leaving the house. Get clothes that fit well, bigger doesn't hide anything, just makes you look bigger. I always say, "Fake it until you feel it!" (This may apply in more ways than one...wink, wink.) You have to tell yourself "I feel good", then eventually it becomes reality. Kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy. Being confident and loving towards yourself is contagious! Your children, along with other folks around you will feel your spirit and that helps them feel better, and now you really feel better. It's a win-win!

New Shoes

Wearing a brand new pair of shoes can pinch a bit, or even take some getting used to. But they can also make a lady feel sexy, sometimes even renewed if it's THAT pair. Each pair can fit an emotion, need or even a want. There are so many different colors, types, and designs. (Ha! I just realized the same can be said of women), You shoe lovers know what I'm talking about! We can bring new life to an old outfit just by changing the shoes.
There is just something about women and shoes. Maybe the reason women have so many is because we have so many roles, (and emotions for that matter). Sometimes we need a sensible pair to run around for all those to do's. Other times, a conservative pair to go meet with teachers, doctors or lawyers, if need be. One always needs a stiletto that might give a boost to the self or a kick out of mommy track for some grown up time. (Very important!)
I went out and bought a new pair of shoes the day the judge granted my divorce! Insert shoe analogies: Keep steppin'! Keep it moving! Walk on! Whatever it was that I was subconsciously thinking, buying shoes resonated with me. I walked differently as I walked out of the courthouse. Almost as though I was walking on a cloud. I felt light and enlightened. I felt as though I stepped over a barrier, and now understood what life was about. It was weird, almost out of body!
I lived a certain way for a long time. A life fed to me by traditions--'til death do us part--and I did drink the kool-aid. I was that ride or die chick, and there was no ifs, ands or buts about it! As I got older, I started seeing things for what they were. Hurts were painfully present but unacceptable! Things had to change, and the only thing I had control over was me. Steps in my "old shoe" took me down a new path. One that made me realize I had to get new shoes because I no longer took the same steps. Those old shoes were just not going to work.
The divorce was a long drawn out process, one of which I tried my best to be cooperative and cordial, even in the midst of disdain. A process which weighed at the back of my head for a few years, never really allowing me to rest easy. Now that part of my head was free and I wanted a brand new pair of shoes. I walked around to at least six different shops looking for THAT pair. I finally found a pair of peep toe stilettos that fit perfectly. As I took a few steps I felt sturdy. I walked taller and I am confident the pinch will go away as I settle into my "new shoes". I am excited about all the possibilities that can now reside in the freed up spaces of my mind as I continue to step forward.

What's for Dinner?

I don't know if anyone understands the frustrations of making dinner when you've been cooking dinner for your family for twenty years or more, but it does a number on me. I feel like I cook the same thing all the time, and I'm bored. Chicken, beef and fish. Chicken, beef and fish. I of course have to throw some pork in the mix at times. (Bacon comes second only to chocolate) But then it begins again, chicken, beef and fish. Another thing that pesters me each day is what am I going to cook that everyone will eat? Four kids with four different personalities, it's not easy. The fish thing leaves my second son feeling like "Why mom!? UGH...Why did you make that for dinner?" Who doesn't like fish? The pork situation has my oldest saying things like "I don't eat pork, and you shouldn't either." I leave it at that because I don't want a lesson as to why. Of course, my girls always have their comments depending on the day, leaving me to wonder why do I do it?
For one thing, sometimes I feel my kids are grown and need to learn how to fend for themselves, because these are life skills that they will need to make it on their own. And during the summer, who wants to slave over a hot stove anyway? At times they are each doing their own thing, sometimes they eat out or get home late, leaving me stuck with leftovers, which are lost on my children. Don't they know how much better the food tastes the next day!? Sometimes the frustrations get the better of me, and I just don't cook. I figure they can make sandwiches, eggs or eat cereal, something, anything that will keep them off my back. But as I sit back and put my feet up to relax, the guilt sets in and fills my mind with questions. I might be exhausted, but who else is going to cook? I am supposed to be the responsible one, how can I just sit there knowing the dinner is not ready? What are they going to do for dinner? How can I find a happy medium, so that I won't feel like I'm a terrible mom and my kids will be fed?
All these questions lead to what I grapple with, If not me, who? If I drop my responsibilities what happens? When there is no more juice or milk in the fridge, I can't look elsewhere, I have to replenish it. Four mouths to feed in every sense of the term. I must not only make sure they are fed, but I have to make sure they are "fed" emotionally, mentally and spiritually if need be. Just thinking about my role is overwhelming, but I am appreciative of my blessings. I have always been one to lead by example. I can't expect my children to do something I am not willing to do. I am hoping that as they watch me, they also learn to be self sufficient and responsible. I also know that it is ok to put my feet up when the body just can't, after all I have to feed myself so that I can feed them. Mac and Cheese with Chicken tonight, as I edit and publish this post...hey, I never said I couldn't do it! :)