Unraveling Our Gift!

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho


I believe that we each have an inherent gift. It is that thing that we live and breathe. That thing that we can't stop thinking or talking about. It is that thing that strengthens us and makes us feel good. That thing that may even make us a little scared if we put it out there for the world to see. There are born leaders. Those whom people feel comfortable and confident following. There are born nurturers. Those who will reach out to those in need without question and want everyone to be ok. They may even overlook their own needs. There are those who are fortunate enough to figure out their gift early in life, and those who struggle to find what their purpose, but once they find it...oh what a joyful noise!

It is within me that my writing lives. I eat, sleep, and play writing. No matter how much I may ignore the words, until I write it down, my mind stays boggled with ideas. Sometimes I need to be by the water in my thoughts to settle the words and see what comes out. Words follow me everywhere. I see things in prose or poetry. When I was 15 years old I decided that I wanted to be a published writer and had a title for my book. I wanted the book to be about my life, but was thinking how boring my book would be with only fifteen years under my belt and I hadn't much experienced life. So I wrote down my title, illustrated my cover and left it in a folder for when I was ready. As I lived, the book stayed tucked away inside me.

When I thought I was ready, I stumbled getting some pages done, but couldn't work through the emotions long enough to stay focused. I had to reflect on how and what I was doing that made the process so difficult. Sometimes we need to silence influences around us in order to understand how our spirit is guiding us. At times we may have people around us that may stunt that gift. They may be pessimistic or nonbelievers in what is truly within us to do, and may go as far as to stifle us. These are the people that we need to keep at arms length or if necessary cut out of our lives. As we enter yet another new year, we need to reflect on what we need to change, keep constant or consistent or add on to our lives in order to unravel our gift. My life has taken me on interesting twists and turns and have given me fuel to pen my world and soon will help me accomplish my 23 year old dream. True freedom is being able to realize that gift.

Since When?

Growing up, I never realized my parents' financial status. We were clothed, fed and loved in a warm home with family all around us. My parents, who came to this country with nothing much, except for will and determination, became laborers to support their family. They came from Cape Verde, a poor country in which most of the food had to be imported from other countries. They worked hard and knew that with family support and education, we would be okay. I was happy, oblivious to the effort that they put forth to ensure that my brother and I had our basic needs met. For birthdays and at Christmas time we received gifts that made us happy, unbeknown to us, it was what they could afford. I remember waking up to a large, fuzzy, brown teddy bear on my eleventh birthday morning. It was my most valued treasure for a long time. For Christmas, we got a few new clothes, shoes and socks that would sustain us through the winter months. Although now I am aware of how they struggled, I am proud of how they succeeded in keeping our family together and happy.

With the holiday upon us, and advertisers shoving "must haves" down our throat, I was compelled to reflect at what this time of year has become. Since when did it become okay to ask for what we want for Christmas? I thought it was the gesture and thought that we put into giving someone special something special. Since when did buying expensive gifts for children who don't know the worth of anything become a trend? Children having the nerve to ask for Uggs or Northface, but yet not put any effort to earn much of anything. Since when did putting ourselves in further debt to fulfill holiday demands become acceptable? I know lots of folks who think that their tax money will go towards the hole they dug during Christmas. Since when did our love become measured by material things? If we don't give gifts to everyone we love, do we love them any less?

This time of year is about giving of yourself. We all have special talents or something to offer. We should be able to ask someone if they need help. Spend sometime with someone who is alone or lonely. Listen to a child talk about what they wonder about. Look up people that we wonder how they are doing. Comfort someone who feels overwhelmed. (With our economy, this wouldn't be hard to find.) It is the time spent with people that fill us with love and excitement. Material things get old and lose their value, but the relationships we build are, you guessed it, priceless! The relationships that my family maintained through the years, through trials and tribulation, make me feel rich! I am blessed to have so many loved one, who are actually part of my life. I love them and feel loved!

I'm not doing the bah hum bug thing, but damn do we really need to get frantic about gift giving to the point where it becomes depressing. We need to reinforce the value of love, family and friendship, no matter what kind of boots we have on!

Out of the Mouths of Babes!

I wanted to share an amazing piece that my daughter wrote. Here I am thinking that I need to be her strength and hope, in turn she gave me just that.

Lifetime With Morrie


Most teenagers spend their summers on the beach with friends, ignore homework until the night before school starts, and almost never do their summer reading. I, on the other hand, spent a summer with a cute little old man, Morrie Schwartz. In other words, I was enchanted by Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. A couple of pages in and I was no longer on my front porch fighting mosquitoes off of me; I was in Mitch Albom’s shoes, meeting Morrie every Tuesday for tea.
Mitch Albom told a heartfelt story about his encounter with his old College Professor before his passing. He would visit him every Tuesday and gain new aspects of life that he, and I, would soon benefit from. His words were therapeutic for me, and in one summer, Morrie got me through a year of losing my favorite cousin to gun violence and my parents’ separation. He spoke to me so clearly, it was as if he was sitting with me on my porch steps, solving all the issues I had that no one else could help with. His positive perspective of the beauty of life even while he was dying of an incurable disease is what I admired most about Morrie.
"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." (43) I learned that there are more important things to life and about life that does not consist of being the most popular kid in school or being the best dressed and trying to fit in.
I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything the summer of 2010, I wanted everyone I knew to sit down with me and get to meet my good friend, Morrie. I figured if more people got their hands on such a book, they’d have a change of hearts on what is important in their lives. I also wanted to learn more about Morrie, beyond the author’s relationship with him. I grew a certain fascination for him and youtubed his interviews and googled his biography. I wanted to know why he spoke the way he did about life and death. I was curious to find out why he was so happy and satisfied with life while it was slowly being taken from him. Morrie was strong regardless of his health. He kept a positive attitude and that helped me learn more about myself. I grew a more optimistic outlook on my own life and gained a new perspective for the people in my life and my surroundings. I learned that staying positive will eventually bring positivity to my life. I believe that’s how I got myself through a summer of losing a few friends but earning new ones. I learned from Morrie that “the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." (52)
Morrie didn’t know me but I felt the love he had for me and all of humanity through Albom’s writing. He had nothing to regret, no hatred in his heart. He wasn’t mad at death, he accepted it and for that I admired him. I felt as if the book was placed in my hands by fate. I learned that in life you go through the most awful times--there is someone doing worse than you, someone doing better than you--but always keep love and positivity in mind. With perseverance and faith, you will always get through.
Everyone usually finds inspiration and role models in their parents, athletes, or celebrities. I found my role model in a 79 year old, retired Sociology professor that I’ve never even met. Tuesdays with Morrie is a memory I can go back to if I ever forget how to appreciate life. From his story I’ve learned to always keep faith and accept any situation in life and ultimately, be thankful and know that it could have been worse.
I grew to accept my cousin’s passing and my parent’s separation because Morrie told me that everything happens for a reason. Through helping others with their own problems and sharing Morrie’s words, I found my inner strength to continue in love and positivity. I am more than thankful for that one summer day.

Getting in the Way of What I'm Feeling!

Emotions run high from time to time. Got me wondering what now? I'm young, single and fabulous! ;) How do I go on with my life, while nurturing my children's life? I was in another world for twenty years and now I walk into one in which guys just push up on you at the club without even asking you to dance and I'm supposed to feel what? Honored? Ha! I'm not sure how it all works nor am I certain I want to know, but at some point I do have to play my hand. It has been great getting to know me, but then I start to think about how amazing it would be to have someone to share that with. Solitaire isn't going to cut it as my kids grow and leave the nest, which is looming in the near future.

How do I go on not knowing or trusting what others' intentions are? Seems like everyone has a hidden agenda. I know that's not true, but it feels that way. I worry about changing or interrupting my relationship with my kids. Will I find someone worth bringing into the dynamic? My kids are protective of their mama and would think it awkward if there was mama and a boyfriend, which is probably a small part of the reason I stayed married past the point of no return. But then I think, they are grown and need to be realistic. Why would you want mama to be alone? It's not about needing a man! It's about companionship and friendship. Plus, I talk a lot, and need a actual person to listen. lol

After learning about who I am and what I like, there is no sacrificing. I learned that love should be about loving the essence of a person, so why change that? I don't want a soul mate! I want to keep my soul. Giving up my soul, made me blind to what was happening to me all in the name of love. I want to be wide awake! I want to revel in the love, not drown in it! I am who I am, so it's a take it or leave it situation.

In the meantime, I am going try word games.

Hang on To Inspiration!

Trying to stay positive and strong is always hard. You have to work on it, surround yourself with good people, purge negative thoughts by writing or talking about it, and then recharge your energy by finding inspiration. Once you've found things that inspire you, hang on to it! Hang on to the people that help you stay strong. Listen to songs that give you strength. Do the things that feed your spirit. About ten years ago, as I read the pages of Essence magazine, I came across a poem that spoke to me and got the balls rolling. I've held on to it over the years and reread it to reassure that I am doing the right thing. I wanted to share it, so that maybe it will give others as much strength as it did me.

No More 'Smalling Up' of ME

No more meekly saying yes
when my heart is screaming no
No more taming of my feelings
so my power won't show
No more hiding my exuberance
from disapproving eyes
No more watering down myself
so my spirit won't rise

No more 'smalling up' of me
pretending I'm not here
No more running from the music
and the spotlight's glare
No more living in this prison
barricaded by my fears
No more turning and retreating
in the face of new frontiers.

Even as I am speaking
I am taking shape and form
harnessing my powers
like a gathering storm
There's no obstacle so bold
as to dare stand in my way
I am taking back my life
and I am doing it today.

By Jean Wilson


Even rewriting it got me going for the day!

Do Something!

My old school parents never wanted me to ride bikes because I was a girl, but I taught myself how to ride a two wheeler without permission and have scrapes and scars to prove it. I hated doing dishes as a child, so I used to break dishes on purpose (Not recommended, I did get many a slaps from my dad for this one), but I ended up losing that chore. My mother's cooking although delicious to me now, was not for my adolescent palette at twelve, so I learned how to cook my own dinner. It was the feeling of being sick and tired that forced me to do something about what was frustrating me.
When I was younger, I would stumble on my words when people talked to me. My mother used to nudge me to speak up because folks couldn't hear my mumbles of hello. I don't know what it was that made me shy or stutter when I reacted to people, especially new people. I would get self-conscious right before I said something and my words would come out in a whisper or I would end up mouthing what I wanted to say. Feeling embarrassed, I would walk away with my head down. I know most of you are thinking, "What? Not her! She can't stop talking!" LOL 'Tis true, you can't get me to shut up, but it was also true that I had trouble expressing myself. I was sick and tired of walking away from people feeling dumb, so I forced myself to do something about it. I took a job at Jordan Marsh, what is now Macy's. (I know I'm aging myself, but whatevaaaaa...living life means aging!) Anyway, I was a sales associate and had to greet and assist all kinds of people. My first few days was a struggle to say the least. I remember customers asking me to repeat myself or even laughing at my hesitation to speak. It was frustrating each day, but I would evaluate what I did, how I could do better and eventually I was at the top of my game. Hence, the constant running of my mouth! HA!
Now whenever I sense that feeling coming on, I do something about it. Somethings take me a while to figure out exactly what to do about it, others are an easy fix. For example, I hate laundry piling up, so I do a couple of loads once a week. I hate a messy house, so I straighten out a few things each day. I used to feel like I didn't have enough time in the day to do things I wanted after all the needs were covered, so I shut down the television, (A HUGE time sucker folks, turn it off and do something!) Instead of complaining about it, I change how I react to the situation, and something positive always come out of it.
Issues, big or small, that we may have, and we will have them, doesn't necessarily have to slow us down or hold us back. When we do something about it, we feel empowered and our lives are that much more enriched.

To Thine Own Self Be True!

I got out of work today, went for my two hour walk/run listening to my music, got home to cook some dinner that I wanted to eat (baked pork chops, mashed potatoes w/sauteed mushrooms and onions...mmm) and made myself a peachy keen daiquiri! Life is good! I love being with me! Every step I take is a step that I want, not worrying about anything or anyone. It has been great getting to know me. It has been like in the movie "The Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts, when she tries all the eggs to figure out what she likes, because previously she liked whatever style of eggs her boyfriend liked. I'm figuring out what I like and loving it!

It takes time to learn who you are, what you like and what you are about, but once you got it, there is no shame in your game! Feeling comfortable in one's own skin doesn't come easy and many struggle trying to find that comfort. But I know for sure, if you are stunted in any way from who you truly are, your spirit will either fight to be free or will wither and die.

Many live by "I'm supposed to..." Many of us stay in lives that are making us miserable because of what people might say. To that I say, "Who Cares?" You might be the talk of the town for a stint, then folks forget all about you. So, who cares if they don't agree with your choices! Who cares if they don't like how you do things! Who cares if they don't understand what you're about. Life is hard enough without us making it more difficult. We need to do the things that make us happy. Hey, if I get a kick out of doing the simplest thing like going for a two hour walk whenever I feel like it then so be it!

Life Happens!

Life happens as you live. You can plan it all you want, but you blink and there it is, the way it's supposed to be. I had four children by the time I was twenty-six years old and struggled through most of it trying to provide for them while developing myself as an adult. I worked part time, went to school fulltime and mothered 25 hours a day. I felt over whelmed, at times exhausted, more than once, anxious, but I never lost hope that I would be ok. People used to wonder how I did it with four kids, but I guess I never really thought about it. It was my life and how I was living. One falls into a rhythm and learns as one goes along, experiencing moments along the way.
I would never want my children to go through what I did, but would I change it? Hell NO! Today I find myself rejoicing in the life I have lived and am living, with all it's kits and caboodles, and with four beautifully spirited children to boot! :)
We are shaped not by our experiences but by how we handle and experience those experiences. Some experiences build fear and apprehension, while others build hope and strength. Depending on how we handle it, it can make us timid or fearless for the next time.
Some people become skeptical, giving up on love because they were hurt by someone whom they allowed themselves to be vulnerable with, and so it happens the next time love presents itself, they become cautious and doubtful and therefore may miss out on something special. While others learn from it and know what to look for or steer clear from the next time. Some folks become frustrated because they are not where they want to be, or they don’t have what they think they should have, feeling disappointed in themselves, never realizing or noticing that they are blessed with what they need. On the flip side, many take the experiences to mean that they need to go in another direction and find themselves in a better place.
We may think too much about what we're supposed to be or supposed to have, instead we need to try being present in the life we live. Life happens either way, so we might as well enjoy it!

Be Happy! :)

Last year I had a bout with what my doctor thought was rheumatoid arthritis (RA). If you don't know what that means you are lucky! Rheumatoid arthritis is a form of inflammatory arthritis and an autoimmune disease. For reasons no one fully understands, in rheumatoid arthritis, the immune system – which is designed to protect our health by attacking foreign cells such as viruses and bacteria – instead attacks the body’s own tissues, specifically the synovium, a thin membrane that lines the joints. As a result of the attack, fluid builds up in the joints, causing pain in the joints and inflammation that’s systemic – meaning it can occur throughout the body. (http://www.arthritis.org/) Each morning I would wake up with pain in different parts of my body. At a point I couldn't even use my hands. I struggled in pain to do everything. Basic things that we don't think about like walking or tying our shoes was a feat. I cringed at the thought of clasping my bra in the back. OUCH! I couldn't do anything! But of course being a mom, one really has no choice but to do! I did everything but slower. I must admit though I did skip cooking dinner a few times. Anywho, because I was physically suffering, it started to mentally mess with me. I stopped going to the gym, swimming was a no go with sore shoulders. Even my walks by the water became a painful task so I stopped all together.

Physical activities release a lot of stress and tension and clears my mind or at the very least helps me put things into perspective. Without it, I found myself sinking into some kind of depression. I just wanted to sleep and didn't want to be around anyone. Many folks that knew me well worried that I was not my usual happy-go-lucky self. It was pretty bad. I kept thinking how was I going to be able to live like this? I was sulking and feeling bad for myself. I hated myself for allowing me to slip into a funk, so I decided to take control of it. I went to a specialist to get his opinion on my diagnosis. I was hopeful when he said that my body may fight it and it may go away with little or no damage to my joints. I started researching RA, and looked at what kinds of foods, exercises and supplements would help. I figured thousands of people live with RA so why should I have self pity. Days which I felt better, I forced myself to swim or go for a walk. Little by little I strengthened my spirit and started believing that I would be ok no matter what happens.

I had to start taking my own advice: mind over matter. State of mind influences how one deals with situations. There were certain things which I started to come to terms with, like I probably wouldn't be able to use my four inch heels anymore or do my strength training at the gym. It could've been worse. Although slow, I was able to walk. I would smile each morning as I would test out my hands and they would actually make a fist without pain. Days that were more painful I decided would be my relaxing days, so I stretched out like a cat on my bed, found a comfy position and would nap hoping to wake up feeling better.

Although I suffered, I did learn to be happy for the things I was able to do, and was grateful that I wasn't worse off. I was happy to be able to move freely some mornings, and even laughed at myself as I walked like an old lady to the bathroom other mornings. I was happy to be able to take hold of my mental state so that I was then able to deal with whatever was ailing me. Now I am back at it, wearing my heels and happy as can be. Keyword? You guessed it, Happy! Be Happy for the little things and the rest shall follow!

Don't Worry! :)

I worried a little bit trying to get my sons off to their respective schools and stressed that I wouldn't be able to get everything done. I made mental lists, lists on my phone, lists on the computer, and lists on a notepad, just so I wouldn't forget anything. Each night I went to bed wondering how I was going to make it all happen, and woke up each morning with the same thought. I was driving myself and my children crazy. This is when talking to yourself comes in handy. (Sometime I wear headphones so people think I'm singing..lol) I took hold of my worries and stress and told myself, "Jos, doesn't it all work out each time? No matter how much you try to control things, you already know things will happen as they should." That's when I let go. I have faith in a higher being that has had my back all along, I have faith in myself when it comes to push and shove, and I have faith in my children to do what they need to do (sometimes with a little nudge.) The worries and stress fell to a workable level and I kept it moving, checking things off my lists! Some worrying might be healthy, but when it is controlling you and not letting you breathe, it becomes hazardous. Things get done, and folks move on to new worries and stresses, but instead of letting them be worries and stresses, take it as experiences. Mind over matter is what I always say. Sometimes I forget and I do have to remind myself, but with a positive mindset, I feel empowered to do what I got to do, knowing that I will be okay. And now, here I find myself sitting on my porch, feeling a calm breeze, knowing that my sons are okay, (with my girls at my heels, wondering if it's their turn to get ready for back to school), and I'm back on my blog. Things all work out how it's supposed to in the end.

Five Minute Fix!

A mother's role is the toughest role ever! Mothers have to make sure that their kids are fed, (refer to my older post "What's For Dinner?"), teach manners (many are forgetting this one!), make sure homework is completed and that all the school papers are signed, laundry is done and routines are established to keep a home running smoothly. Good for those who are lucky enough to have assistance from a significant other, but it is still a tough job.
That being said, it takes about five minutes for me to throw on some eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss. I fluff up the do and I'm good to go. It doesn't take much time to look put together. Looking at old pictures, I see that I was once a victim of mommyhood, but no more. I remember feeling so heavy and disillusioned after each child. I would lose hope of ever finding my self-esteem and then like magic it would reappear. As the kids got older, I noticed that they'd mimic everything I'd do, realizing that I was their example. I see many mommies these days who use all of their energy taking care of their babies. Many look disheveled, tired and just worn out, but in contrast their children look put together and happy. I also hear many of these mothers sounding resentful when they say things like, "before I had kids I used to be hot", or "before I had kids I used to get my hair did every weekend". Once many women become mothers, they forget about themselves. The weight one puts on to create this child doesn't help the situation either. Your body may change, but the essence of womanhood is still present.
Letting go of yourself to be a mommy is a no-no. Attention maybe paid to your child or children, but remember they learn most from watching you. If you care about yourself, they will care about themselves. It's important to remember that although we maybe mommies, we are still women. You are a person without the kiddies, besides if you have a man, he needs to feel that you care about his needs too, and one also needs to think about once your kids are grown and gone, what are you going to do if your identity depended on your children?
My advice is to get basic. Fit in a five minute fix up before leaving the house. Get clothes that fit well, bigger doesn't hide anything, just makes you look bigger. I always say, "Fake it until you feel it!" (This may apply in more ways than one...wink, wink.) You have to tell yourself "I feel good", then eventually it becomes reality. Kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy. Being confident and loving towards yourself is contagious! Your children, along with other folks around you will feel your spirit and that helps them feel better, and now you really feel better. It's a win-win!

New Shoes

Wearing a brand new pair of shoes can pinch a bit, or even take some getting used to. But they can also make a lady feel sexy, sometimes even renewed if it's THAT pair. Each pair can fit an emotion, need or even a want. There are so many different colors, types, and designs. (Ha! I just realized the same can be said of women), You shoe lovers know what I'm talking about! We can bring new life to an old outfit just by changing the shoes.
There is just something about women and shoes. Maybe the reason women have so many is because we have so many roles, (and emotions for that matter). Sometimes we need a sensible pair to run around for all those to do's. Other times, a conservative pair to go meet with teachers, doctors or lawyers, if need be. One always needs a stiletto that might give a boost to the self or a kick out of mommy track for some grown up time. (Very important!)
I went out and bought a new pair of shoes the day the judge granted my divorce! Insert shoe analogies: Keep steppin'! Keep it moving! Walk on! Whatever it was that I was subconsciously thinking, buying shoes resonated with me. I walked differently as I walked out of the courthouse. Almost as though I was walking on a cloud. I felt light and enlightened. I felt as though I stepped over a barrier, and now understood what life was about. It was weird, almost out of body!
I lived a certain way for a long time. A life fed to me by traditions--'til death do us part--and I did drink the kool-aid. I was that ride or die chick, and there was no ifs, ands or buts about it! As I got older, I started seeing things for what they were. Hurts were painfully present but unacceptable! Things had to change, and the only thing I had control over was me. Steps in my "old shoe" took me down a new path. One that made me realize I had to get new shoes because I no longer took the same steps. Those old shoes were just not going to work.
The divorce was a long drawn out process, one of which I tried my best to be cooperative and cordial, even in the midst of disdain. A process which weighed at the back of my head for a few years, never really allowing me to rest easy. Now that part of my head was free and I wanted a brand new pair of shoes. I walked around to at least six different shops looking for THAT pair. I finally found a pair of peep toe stilettos that fit perfectly. As I took a few steps I felt sturdy. I walked taller and I am confident the pinch will go away as I settle into my "new shoes". I am excited about all the possibilities that can now reside in the freed up spaces of my mind as I continue to step forward.

What's for Dinner?

I don't know if anyone understands the frustrations of making dinner when you've been cooking dinner for your family for twenty years or more, but it does a number on me. I feel like I cook the same thing all the time, and I'm bored. Chicken, beef and fish. Chicken, beef and fish. I of course have to throw some pork in the mix at times. (Bacon comes second only to chocolate) But then it begins again, chicken, beef and fish. Another thing that pesters me each day is what am I going to cook that everyone will eat? Four kids with four different personalities, it's not easy. The fish thing leaves my second son feeling like "Why mom!? UGH...Why did you make that for dinner?" Who doesn't like fish? The pork situation has my oldest saying things like "I don't eat pork, and you shouldn't either." I leave it at that because I don't want a lesson as to why. Of course, my girls always have their comments depending on the day, leaving me to wonder why do I do it?
For one thing, sometimes I feel my kids are grown and need to learn how to fend for themselves, because these are life skills that they will need to make it on their own. And during the summer, who wants to slave over a hot stove anyway? At times they are each doing their own thing, sometimes they eat out or get home late, leaving me stuck with leftovers, which are lost on my children. Don't they know how much better the food tastes the next day!? Sometimes the frustrations get the better of me, and I just don't cook. I figure they can make sandwiches, eggs or eat cereal, something, anything that will keep them off my back. But as I sit back and put my feet up to relax, the guilt sets in and fills my mind with questions. I might be exhausted, but who else is going to cook? I am supposed to be the responsible one, how can I just sit there knowing the dinner is not ready? What are they going to do for dinner? How can I find a happy medium, so that I won't feel like I'm a terrible mom and my kids will be fed?
All these questions lead to what I grapple with, If not me, who? If I drop my responsibilities what happens? When there is no more juice or milk in the fridge, I can't look elsewhere, I have to replenish it. Four mouths to feed in every sense of the term. I must not only make sure they are fed, but I have to make sure they are "fed" emotionally, mentally and spiritually if need be. Just thinking about my role is overwhelming, but I am appreciative of my blessings. I have always been one to lead by example. I can't expect my children to do something I am not willing to do. I am hoping that as they watch me, they also learn to be self sufficient and responsible. I also know that it is ok to put my feet up when the body just can't, after all I have to feed myself so that I can feed them. Mac and Cheese with Chicken tonight, as I edit and publish this post...hey, I never said I couldn't do it! :)

Green-Eyed Monster

As a teenager, I thought jealousy just meant your boyfriend really liked you and didn't want anyone else getting in the middle of that. I remember always being questioned about why I was so close to so and so, or why did I seem overly excited to see what's his name. Never understanding why I was being questioned, when all I wanted was him. Nothing or no one else mattered to me, but I always ended up feeling bad and judging my behavior, wondering if I had done something wrong.

As a grown ass woman, I learned it was never about me. It was all about his insecurities. He was projecting on me whatever he was doing. No mattered how I changed or did things his way, he always had a problem with me.

Jealousy makes people do crazy shit! It can infuriate people, and have them act a fool. It can make them read into things in a certain way, that feeds whatever they're jealous about. For example, he would question me about why I was trying to look cute, who was I trying to impress. (As many of you know, I always look cute! lol) He used to fight people he felt disrespected him (I naively thought it was to protect my honor...ha!) I internalized his actions of jealousy and became a jealous person. The insecurities creeped into my being. I became the one asking, who's that? why this? Ugh, just thinking about it makes me nauseous. That's not who I was and definitely not who I am.

"This too shall pass" is what I have lived by, but in my thirties I have learned, yeah things pass, but if you don't learn and grow and possibly change from the experience, it will come again. I was suffering from the same thing, time after time, and felt clueless as to how I could deal with it. I suffered from my ex's jealousy and conformed to what he wanted each time we fought, giving up friends and family, and eventually myself. Thinking that I had remedied the situation, but the problems kept arising.

Through my awakening, I learned to let go of what he thought, and take on how I felt. In order to change the situation, I had to change how I dealt with it. At first I would ignore whatever accusation was thrown my way, then I would scream and yell trying to prove my innocence, at last I realized I didn't need to prove anything! I am who I am, and I love it, so it was a take it or leave it!

As I move on, I realize that although the green-eyed monster may resurface, I have learned not to feed it and wait for it to go back into hibernation. Some form of jealousy can be healthy for a relationship, but once it becomes bigger than the love, it is damaging! The way I figure, I want to be in a relationship that we could rest our shoulders and know that being our true selves is a given! Whether or not I will find that is left to be seen.

Beginning

Such is life! I have been trying to begin this blog for a few weeks now, but life keeps getting in the way. Single with four kids each with wants and needs, and with my mind overwhelmed with to do's and got to's, doesn't help! I didn't want to let my "to do" list to overtake my blog, but then I thought about it. Duh? The name of the blog is "Who's Life is it Anyway?" Who was I to think that I would get a moment to write? So I sit in the midst of it all, with my mind boggled with financial aid forms and back to school lists to start this blog about issues that may affect other women.

I have had this title for a long time, because I never feel like my life is my own. I can make plans, but one thing or the other always changes it up on me. Don't get me wrong I love my children, and I always figure it out, whatever "it" is, but sometimes get frustrated with the fact that I really can't just be.

If I started this blog five years ago, it would have been riddled with my life as wife and mother. Constantly trying to please someone that is on a different page is the most difficult thing I had ever had to do. I ultimately turned my page and moved on. It took twenty years, but I moved on. These twenty years got me thinking, why do women stay in relationships that are damaging to their being?

Well, there maybe many reasons, and I would love to hear from anyone out there, but I for one stayed because I thought I could make "it" work. I was married young and felt that we would learn over the years. I was strong and determined, and believed I could fix it. Over the years I became broken and a mere shadow of who I was. It wasn't until I reached the age of thirty that I realized that I can only fix one thing, ME! I started caring for myself, filling the void that he always left, and rediscovering the person I once was. Every thing, every responsibility as a mother, every chore as a homemaker, every aspect of day to day was on my shoulders. At the end of each day, I kept wondering, why is he here? Maybe only for the obvious benefit that a man fulfills (at least for my preference), but even that started to make me feel as though I was giving away my power. It wasn't worth my sanity. So, after those twenty learning years, I realized it was over. I wanted me back!

I have me now, along with previously mentioned endless responsibilities, but at least now I feel like I can do things my way. Rediscovering myself has been great! My passion to write and talk (as many who know me knows) is alive and well. I figured I will put it to use and maybe help or at the very least entertain others. Many things are new to me and in many instances I may feel naive, that's where you come in. I would love to hear your voices and experiences, maybe find that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Duty calls, but before I go, let me know what you think.