Morning Glory

I never realized how much my past affected my present, and will inevitably affect my future, until I realized who I have now become just this morning.  Once I separated and eventually divorced, I told myself, never again!  Never will I give myself up for the sake of love.   I went on a journey to discover what I was about and what I enjoyed.  I enjoyed seeing the world through my eyes, uninhibited by the opinions of someone who held me hostage mentally.  I thrived and I enjoyed getting to know the me that had been screaming inside.  As I woke up this morning, I realized that I was still a hostage.  Reflecting upon my actions, I have noticed that I am meticulous at time with choices I make so that I wouldn't be judged.  Other times I am cold and won't let emotions get me caught up.  Although there are times of freedom, the times that I am truly unrepressed which is when I am the happiest, these times are short lived.  I check myself and hold back.  I stand stubbornly strong with the idea of never again.  Never again will a man choose for me.  Never again will a man dictate my life or who I am, never again will I care for someone more than I care for myself.  The fear of losing myself is still within me.  I try to combat all the signs of the past by standing my ground. As these "never agains" resurface and stunt my growth, I become bitter.  I also become wishy washy as to what I want, questioning if I am truly happy and if I am, will the guards I have let down to be so, comeback and kick me in the ass.
Caught in the tangles of experiences of good and bad, I stand still.  I haven't written in a while, confused by the fog in my mind of what I truly want.  This post may seem vague, but mimics the mental struggles of learning from a life lived and a life I strive for.  Naming the struggle, admitting that I am still held hostage, ironically has me feeling a bit liberated this morning.   Maybe now as I recognize my patterns and fears,  I can flourish.