Green-Eyed Monster

As a teenager, I thought jealousy just meant your boyfriend really liked you and didn't want anyone else getting in the middle of that. I remember always being questioned about why I was so close to so and so, or why did I seem overly excited to see what's his name. Never understanding why I was being questioned, when all I wanted was him. Nothing or no one else mattered to me, but I always ended up feeling bad and judging my behavior, wondering if I had done something wrong.

As a grown ass woman, I learned it was never about me. It was all about his insecurities. He was projecting on me whatever he was doing. No mattered how I changed or did things his way, he always had a problem with me.

Jealousy makes people do crazy shit! It can infuriate people, and have them act a fool. It can make them read into things in a certain way, that feeds whatever they're jealous about. For example, he would question me about why I was trying to look cute, who was I trying to impress. (As many of you know, I always look cute! lol) He used to fight people he felt disrespected him (I naively thought it was to protect my honor...ha!) I internalized his actions of jealousy and became a jealous person. The insecurities creeped into my being. I became the one asking, who's that? why this? Ugh, just thinking about it makes me nauseous. That's not who I was and definitely not who I am.

"This too shall pass" is what I have lived by, but in my thirties I have learned, yeah things pass, but if you don't learn and grow and possibly change from the experience, it will come again. I was suffering from the same thing, time after time, and felt clueless as to how I could deal with it. I suffered from my ex's jealousy and conformed to what he wanted each time we fought, giving up friends and family, and eventually myself. Thinking that I had remedied the situation, but the problems kept arising.

Through my awakening, I learned to let go of what he thought, and take on how I felt. In order to change the situation, I had to change how I dealt with it. At first I would ignore whatever accusation was thrown my way, then I would scream and yell trying to prove my innocence, at last I realized I didn't need to prove anything! I am who I am, and I love it, so it was a take it or leave it!

As I move on, I realize that although the green-eyed monster may resurface, I have learned not to feed it and wait for it to go back into hibernation. Some form of jealousy can be healthy for a relationship, but once it becomes bigger than the love, it is damaging! The way I figure, I want to be in a relationship that we could rest our shoulders and know that being our true selves is a given! Whether or not I will find that is left to be seen.

Beginning

Such is life! I have been trying to begin this blog for a few weeks now, but life keeps getting in the way. Single with four kids each with wants and needs, and with my mind overwhelmed with to do's and got to's, doesn't help! I didn't want to let my "to do" list to overtake my blog, but then I thought about it. Duh? The name of the blog is "Who's Life is it Anyway?" Who was I to think that I would get a moment to write? So I sit in the midst of it all, with my mind boggled with financial aid forms and back to school lists to start this blog about issues that may affect other women.

I have had this title for a long time, because I never feel like my life is my own. I can make plans, but one thing or the other always changes it up on me. Don't get me wrong I love my children, and I always figure it out, whatever "it" is, but sometimes get frustrated with the fact that I really can't just be.

If I started this blog five years ago, it would have been riddled with my life as wife and mother. Constantly trying to please someone that is on a different page is the most difficult thing I had ever had to do. I ultimately turned my page and moved on. It took twenty years, but I moved on. These twenty years got me thinking, why do women stay in relationships that are damaging to their being?

Well, there maybe many reasons, and I would love to hear from anyone out there, but I for one stayed because I thought I could make "it" work. I was married young and felt that we would learn over the years. I was strong and determined, and believed I could fix it. Over the years I became broken and a mere shadow of who I was. It wasn't until I reached the age of thirty that I realized that I can only fix one thing, ME! I started caring for myself, filling the void that he always left, and rediscovering the person I once was. Every thing, every responsibility as a mother, every chore as a homemaker, every aspect of day to day was on my shoulders. At the end of each day, I kept wondering, why is he here? Maybe only for the obvious benefit that a man fulfills (at least for my preference), but even that started to make me feel as though I was giving away my power. It wasn't worth my sanity. So, after those twenty learning years, I realized it was over. I wanted me back!

I have me now, along with previously mentioned endless responsibilities, but at least now I feel like I can do things my way. Rediscovering myself has been great! My passion to write and talk (as many who know me knows) is alive and well. I figured I will put it to use and maybe help or at the very least entertain others. Many things are new to me and in many instances I may feel naive, that's where you come in. I would love to hear your voices and experiences, maybe find that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Duty calls, but before I go, let me know what you think.