Shifting My Gears!

I started out my new school year with much enthusiasm and excitement.  After only a month, my gears are starting to downshift and I'm not liking where it's going.  Life is overwhelming me and I feel as though I am holding my head above water, just enough to take a small breath.  I tend to quiet myself, avoiding others so that I could regain my strength.   I become pensive and others start to wonder about my usual cheery self.  I am trying to counter act all the negatives pulling me down with the positives that I usually find to hold me up, but at this point I need to look for reinforcements!!!

Different avenues for inspiration always seem to find its way to me.  Or maybe I open myself up to such opportunities, but I use the forces to help me move on.  I remember a few years back, I was in tears, but still forced myself to go to the gym.  As I walked on the treadmill, trying to psych myself out for a run, I looked up reading the T-shirt of the girl in front of me.  It said, "Life Goes On!" I laughed out loud, thinking "I know this," but yet I was caught up in self pity that I couldn't get out of my own way.   I ran for 20 minutes, confident in knowing that I was going to get through.

And now, I find myself confused about how to deal or change how things are going.  I feel pulled in many directions and feel obligated to be a certain way, basically type cast in a responsible mother role.  Although many things around me are changing, I feel stagnant and afraid to move.

The other night I was watching television, which I rarely do, but it was that kind of a day.  I caught the end of Iyanla: Fix My Life.  Each episode is about Iyanla helping others solve their problems.  After she summarized the process of that particular episode, she closed the show with her tag line, "Through muddy waters....Stay in peace, not pieces."  Just that few minutes reminded me that I am at peace, even through tribulations.  I am comfortable in my own skin and confident in my skills.
What ever it is, it shall be, and I will be okay, maybe even better on the other side of it!

Help!

As a little girl, my mother didn't do much for me. She guided me, but I did the rest. If I didn't know how to do something, I would ask questions, observe and then apply to my situation. Simple things like setting my hair in rollers to unclogging a toilet or bathtub, became things that I could do, and never had to ask for help. When I became a mother, I knew how to do many things to hold down a fort, to a fault. I am wonderwoman! I would work things out and situations would end up better than expected, because of my creative effort. This characteristic has helped me and helps me survive in many ways. The mind-set I work in is always a positive one. I always believe that I'll work it out. (Don't get me wrong...at times frustrations do take over.) Over the years I have added to my "toolbox" and now feel confident in my skills. Now to speak on this "To a fault" is what has lead me to sometimes being overwhelmed. I believe that I can get everything done for myself and others, but why do I do it? Why am I so stubborn that I can't ask for help? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I have always said that people need people. That's why we have family, friends, cohorts of people around us. I believe this, but yet have a hard time reaching out. I'm trying to work on that starting with my grown children, who sees the wonderwoman and think I'm good, while I'm thinking...Nah I really don't need anything else to do. I want to be one of those people Barbara Streisand sings about in Funny Girl, "People." "People, People who need people, are the luckiest people in the world." After all, wonderwoman had the justice league.

Hold On...

How hard is it to hold true to self when in a relationship? I understand compromising and adjusting to make relationships work, but when is it too much? I think about how folks are attracted to the essence of another, but as soon as they are in a relationship, each one starts to change to conform, thinking that they are helping the relationship. Or as with many relationships, many try to change their partner to better fit their needs or ideas of what they want in a relationship. As a result, sooner or later down the line, one or both people become resentful or are no longer fulfilled in the relationship leading to a breakdown and/or breakups.
As we enter into relationships, we enter in a way that has been affected by previous relationships. Some folks are timid and careful, several go in fully, while others even go in knowing that there is no future in it. Past hurts become present lesson learned and many times building blocks to walls built for protection from those same hurts. Past hurts also work to help us recognize patterns into what can happen in the new relationship, hence the timidness. Depending on how we have dealt with the hurts, it can hurt or help the new relationship.
As we grow and learn about each other, we might be bothered by idiosyncrasies, which, by the way, we once thought was cute, and speak on it. "Why do you always do that?" becoming "Can you not do that!?" Or we might even have disagreements on certain things that we hold dear, like our values, ideals or even on how to best rear children, leading to one hushing their own feelings to make peace. So where does that leave us?
Relationships are important! We should have that one person that knows the inner workings of our being. It's also nice to have someone that you can share and chill with, and is available to you. But, how do we hold on to ourselves and not end up by ourselves?

Getting in the Way of What I'm Feeling!

Emotions run high from time to time. Got me wondering what now? I'm young, single and fabulous! ;) How do I go on with my life, while nurturing my children's life? I was in another world for twenty years and now I walk into one in which guys just push up on you at the club without even asking you to dance and I'm supposed to feel what? Honored? Ha! I'm not sure how it all works nor am I certain I want to know, but at some point I do have to play my hand. It has been great getting to know me, but then I start to think about how amazing it would be to have someone to share that with. Solitaire isn't going to cut it as my kids grow and leave the nest, which is looming in the near future.

How do I go on not knowing or trusting what others' intentions are? Seems like everyone has a hidden agenda. I know that's not true, but it feels that way. I worry about changing or interrupting my relationship with my kids. Will I find someone worth bringing into the dynamic? My kids are protective of their mama and would think it awkward if there was mama and a boyfriend, which is probably a small part of the reason I stayed married past the point of no return. But then I think, they are grown and need to be realistic. Why would you want mama to be alone? It's not about needing a man! It's about companionship and friendship. Plus, I talk a lot, and need a actual person to listen. lol

After learning about who I am and what I like, there is no sacrificing. I learned that love should be about loving the essence of a person, so why change that? I don't want a soul mate! I want to keep my soul. Giving up my soul, made me blind to what was happening to me all in the name of love. I want to be wide awake! I want to revel in the love, not drown in it! I am who I am, so it's a take it or leave it situation.

In the meantime, I am going try word games.

Do Something!

My old school parents never wanted me to ride bikes because I was a girl, but I taught myself how to ride a two wheeler without permission and have scrapes and scars to prove it. I hated doing dishes as a child, so I used to break dishes on purpose (Not recommended, I did get many a slaps from my dad for this one), but I ended up losing that chore. My mother's cooking although delicious to me now, was not for my adolescent palette at twelve, so I learned how to cook my own dinner. It was the feeling of being sick and tired that forced me to do something about what was frustrating me.
When I was younger, I would stumble on my words when people talked to me. My mother used to nudge me to speak up because folks couldn't hear my mumbles of hello. I don't know what it was that made me shy or stutter when I reacted to people, especially new people. I would get self-conscious right before I said something and my words would come out in a whisper or I would end up mouthing what I wanted to say. Feeling embarrassed, I would walk away with my head down. I know most of you are thinking, "What? Not her! She can't stop talking!" LOL 'Tis true, you can't get me to shut up, but it was also true that I had trouble expressing myself. I was sick and tired of walking away from people feeling dumb, so I forced myself to do something about it. I took a job at Jordan Marsh, what is now Macy's. (I know I'm aging myself, but whatevaaaaa...living life means aging!) Anyway, I was a sales associate and had to greet and assist all kinds of people. My first few days was a struggle to say the least. I remember customers asking me to repeat myself or even laughing at my hesitation to speak. It was frustrating each day, but I would evaluate what I did, how I could do better and eventually I was at the top of my game. Hence, the constant running of my mouth! HA!
Now whenever I sense that feeling coming on, I do something about it. Somethings take me a while to figure out exactly what to do about it, others are an easy fix. For example, I hate laundry piling up, so I do a couple of loads once a week. I hate a messy house, so I straighten out a few things each day. I used to feel like I didn't have enough time in the day to do things I wanted after all the needs were covered, so I shut down the television, (A HUGE time sucker folks, turn it off and do something!) Instead of complaining about it, I change how I react to the situation, and something positive always come out of it.
Issues, big or small, that we may have, and we will have them, doesn't necessarily have to slow us down or hold us back. When we do something about it, we feel empowered and our lives are that much more enriched.

To Thine Own Self Be True!

I got out of work today, went for my two hour walk/run listening to my music, got home to cook some dinner that I wanted to eat (baked pork chops, mashed potatoes w/sauteed mushrooms and onions...mmm) and made myself a peachy keen daiquiri! Life is good! I love being with me! Every step I take is a step that I want, not worrying about anything or anyone. It has been great getting to know me. It has been like in the movie "The Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts, when she tries all the eggs to figure out what she likes, because previously she liked whatever style of eggs her boyfriend liked. I'm figuring out what I like and loving it!

It takes time to learn who you are, what you like and what you are about, but once you got it, there is no shame in your game! Feeling comfortable in one's own skin doesn't come easy and many struggle trying to find that comfort. But I know for sure, if you are stunted in any way from who you truly are, your spirit will either fight to be free or will wither and die.

Many live by "I'm supposed to..." Many of us stay in lives that are making us miserable because of what people might say. To that I say, "Who Cares?" You might be the talk of the town for a stint, then folks forget all about you. So, who cares if they don't agree with your choices! Who cares if they don't like how you do things! Who cares if they don't understand what you're about. Life is hard enough without us making it more difficult. We need to do the things that make us happy. Hey, if I get a kick out of doing the simplest thing like going for a two hour walk whenever I feel like it then so be it!

Life Happens!

Life happens as you live. You can plan it all you want, but you blink and there it is, the way it's supposed to be. I had four children by the time I was twenty-six years old and struggled through most of it trying to provide for them while developing myself as an adult. I worked part time, went to school fulltime and mothered 25 hours a day. I felt over whelmed, at times exhausted, more than once, anxious, but I never lost hope that I would be ok. People used to wonder how I did it with four kids, but I guess I never really thought about it. It was my life and how I was living. One falls into a rhythm and learns as one goes along, experiencing moments along the way.
I would never want my children to go through what I did, but would I change it? Hell NO! Today I find myself rejoicing in the life I have lived and am living, with all it's kits and caboodles, and with four beautifully spirited children to boot! :)
We are shaped not by our experiences but by how we handle and experience those experiences. Some experiences build fear and apprehension, while others build hope and strength. Depending on how we handle it, it can make us timid or fearless for the next time.
Some people become skeptical, giving up on love because they were hurt by someone whom they allowed themselves to be vulnerable with, and so it happens the next time love presents itself, they become cautious and doubtful and therefore may miss out on something special. While others learn from it and know what to look for or steer clear from the next time. Some folks become frustrated because they are not where they want to be, or they don’t have what they think they should have, feeling disappointed in themselves, never realizing or noticing that they are blessed with what they need. On the flip side, many take the experiences to mean that they need to go in another direction and find themselves in a better place.
We may think too much about what we're supposed to be or supposed to have, instead we need to try being present in the life we live. Life happens either way, so we might as well enjoy it!

Be Happy! :)

Last year I had a bout with what my doctor thought was rheumatoid arthritis (RA). If you don't know what that means you are lucky! Rheumatoid arthritis is a form of inflammatory arthritis and an autoimmune disease. For reasons no one fully understands, in rheumatoid arthritis, the immune system – which is designed to protect our health by attacking foreign cells such as viruses and bacteria – instead attacks the body’s own tissues, specifically the synovium, a thin membrane that lines the joints. As a result of the attack, fluid builds up in the joints, causing pain in the joints and inflammation that’s systemic – meaning it can occur throughout the body. (http://www.arthritis.org/) Each morning I would wake up with pain in different parts of my body. At a point I couldn't even use my hands. I struggled in pain to do everything. Basic things that we don't think about like walking or tying our shoes was a feat. I cringed at the thought of clasping my bra in the back. OUCH! I couldn't do anything! But of course being a mom, one really has no choice but to do! I did everything but slower. I must admit though I did skip cooking dinner a few times. Anywho, because I was physically suffering, it started to mentally mess with me. I stopped going to the gym, swimming was a no go with sore shoulders. Even my walks by the water became a painful task so I stopped all together.

Physical activities release a lot of stress and tension and clears my mind or at the very least helps me put things into perspective. Without it, I found myself sinking into some kind of depression. I just wanted to sleep and didn't want to be around anyone. Many folks that knew me well worried that I was not my usual happy-go-lucky self. It was pretty bad. I kept thinking how was I going to be able to live like this? I was sulking and feeling bad for myself. I hated myself for allowing me to slip into a funk, so I decided to take control of it. I went to a specialist to get his opinion on my diagnosis. I was hopeful when he said that my body may fight it and it may go away with little or no damage to my joints. I started researching RA, and looked at what kinds of foods, exercises and supplements would help. I figured thousands of people live with RA so why should I have self pity. Days which I felt better, I forced myself to swim or go for a walk. Little by little I strengthened my spirit and started believing that I would be ok no matter what happens.

I had to start taking my own advice: mind over matter. State of mind influences how one deals with situations. There were certain things which I started to come to terms with, like I probably wouldn't be able to use my four inch heels anymore or do my strength training at the gym. It could've been worse. Although slow, I was able to walk. I would smile each morning as I would test out my hands and they would actually make a fist without pain. Days that were more painful I decided would be my relaxing days, so I stretched out like a cat on my bed, found a comfy position and would nap hoping to wake up feeling better.

Although I suffered, I did learn to be happy for the things I was able to do, and was grateful that I wasn't worse off. I was happy to be able to move freely some mornings, and even laughed at myself as I walked like an old lady to the bathroom other mornings. I was happy to be able to take hold of my mental state so that I was then able to deal with whatever was ailing me. Now I am back at it, wearing my heels and happy as can be. Keyword? You guessed it, Happy! Be Happy for the little things and the rest shall follow!

Don't Worry! :)

I worried a little bit trying to get my sons off to their respective schools and stressed that I wouldn't be able to get everything done. I made mental lists, lists on my phone, lists on the computer, and lists on a notepad, just so I wouldn't forget anything. Each night I went to bed wondering how I was going to make it all happen, and woke up each morning with the same thought. I was driving myself and my children crazy. This is when talking to yourself comes in handy. (Sometime I wear headphones so people think I'm singing..lol) I took hold of my worries and stress and told myself, "Jos, doesn't it all work out each time? No matter how much you try to control things, you already know things will happen as they should." That's when I let go. I have faith in a higher being that has had my back all along, I have faith in myself when it comes to push and shove, and I have faith in my children to do what they need to do (sometimes with a little nudge.) The worries and stress fell to a workable level and I kept it moving, checking things off my lists! Some worrying might be healthy, but when it is controlling you and not letting you breathe, it becomes hazardous. Things get done, and folks move on to new worries and stresses, but instead of letting them be worries and stresses, take it as experiences. Mind over matter is what I always say. Sometimes I forget and I do have to remind myself, but with a positive mindset, I feel empowered to do what I got to do, knowing that I will be okay. And now, here I find myself sitting on my porch, feeling a calm breeze, knowing that my sons are okay, (with my girls at my heels, wondering if it's their turn to get ready for back to school), and I'm back on my blog. Things all work out how it's supposed to in the end.

Five Minute Fix!

A mother's role is the toughest role ever! Mothers have to make sure that their kids are fed, (refer to my older post "What's For Dinner?"), teach manners (many are forgetting this one!), make sure homework is completed and that all the school papers are signed, laundry is done and routines are established to keep a home running smoothly. Good for those who are lucky enough to have assistance from a significant other, but it is still a tough job.
That being said, it takes about five minutes for me to throw on some eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss. I fluff up the do and I'm good to go. It doesn't take much time to look put together. Looking at old pictures, I see that I was once a victim of mommyhood, but no more. I remember feeling so heavy and disillusioned after each child. I would lose hope of ever finding my self-esteem and then like magic it would reappear. As the kids got older, I noticed that they'd mimic everything I'd do, realizing that I was their example. I see many mommies these days who use all of their energy taking care of their babies. Many look disheveled, tired and just worn out, but in contrast their children look put together and happy. I also hear many of these mothers sounding resentful when they say things like, "before I had kids I used to be hot", or "before I had kids I used to get my hair did every weekend". Once many women become mothers, they forget about themselves. The weight one puts on to create this child doesn't help the situation either. Your body may change, but the essence of womanhood is still present.
Letting go of yourself to be a mommy is a no-no. Attention maybe paid to your child or children, but remember they learn most from watching you. If you care about yourself, they will care about themselves. It's important to remember that although we maybe mommies, we are still women. You are a person without the kiddies, besides if you have a man, he needs to feel that you care about his needs too, and one also needs to think about once your kids are grown and gone, what are you going to do if your identity depended on your children?
My advice is to get basic. Fit in a five minute fix up before leaving the house. Get clothes that fit well, bigger doesn't hide anything, just makes you look bigger. I always say, "Fake it until you feel it!" (This may apply in more ways than one...wink, wink.) You have to tell yourself "I feel good", then eventually it becomes reality. Kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy. Being confident and loving towards yourself is contagious! Your children, along with other folks around you will feel your spirit and that helps them feel better, and now you really feel better. It's a win-win!

What's for Dinner?

I don't know if anyone understands the frustrations of making dinner when you've been cooking dinner for your family for twenty years or more, but it does a number on me. I feel like I cook the same thing all the time, and I'm bored. Chicken, beef and fish. Chicken, beef and fish. I of course have to throw some pork in the mix at times. (Bacon comes second only to chocolate) But then it begins again, chicken, beef and fish. Another thing that pesters me each day is what am I going to cook that everyone will eat? Four kids with four different personalities, it's not easy. The fish thing leaves my second son feeling like "Why mom!? UGH...Why did you make that for dinner?" Who doesn't like fish? The pork situation has my oldest saying things like "I don't eat pork, and you shouldn't either." I leave it at that because I don't want a lesson as to why. Of course, my girls always have their comments depending on the day, leaving me to wonder why do I do it?
For one thing, sometimes I feel my kids are grown and need to learn how to fend for themselves, because these are life skills that they will need to make it on their own. And during the summer, who wants to slave over a hot stove anyway? At times they are each doing their own thing, sometimes they eat out or get home late, leaving me stuck with leftovers, which are lost on my children. Don't they know how much better the food tastes the next day!? Sometimes the frustrations get the better of me, and I just don't cook. I figure they can make sandwiches, eggs or eat cereal, something, anything that will keep them off my back. But as I sit back and put my feet up to relax, the guilt sets in and fills my mind with questions. I might be exhausted, but who else is going to cook? I am supposed to be the responsible one, how can I just sit there knowing the dinner is not ready? What are they going to do for dinner? How can I find a happy medium, so that I won't feel like I'm a terrible mom and my kids will be fed?
All these questions lead to what I grapple with, If not me, who? If I drop my responsibilities what happens? When there is no more juice or milk in the fridge, I can't look elsewhere, I have to replenish it. Four mouths to feed in every sense of the term. I must not only make sure they are fed, but I have to make sure they are "fed" emotionally, mentally and spiritually if need be. Just thinking about my role is overwhelming, but I am appreciative of my blessings. I have always been one to lead by example. I can't expect my children to do something I am not willing to do. I am hoping that as they watch me, they also learn to be self sufficient and responsible. I also know that it is ok to put my feet up when the body just can't, after all I have to feed myself so that I can feed them. Mac and Cheese with Chicken tonight, as I edit and publish this post...hey, I never said I couldn't do it! :)

Green-Eyed Monster

As a teenager, I thought jealousy just meant your boyfriend really liked you and didn't want anyone else getting in the middle of that. I remember always being questioned about why I was so close to so and so, or why did I seem overly excited to see what's his name. Never understanding why I was being questioned, when all I wanted was him. Nothing or no one else mattered to me, but I always ended up feeling bad and judging my behavior, wondering if I had done something wrong.

As a grown ass woman, I learned it was never about me. It was all about his insecurities. He was projecting on me whatever he was doing. No mattered how I changed or did things his way, he always had a problem with me.

Jealousy makes people do crazy shit! It can infuriate people, and have them act a fool. It can make them read into things in a certain way, that feeds whatever they're jealous about. For example, he would question me about why I was trying to look cute, who was I trying to impress. (As many of you know, I always look cute! lol) He used to fight people he felt disrespected him (I naively thought it was to protect my honor...ha!) I internalized his actions of jealousy and became a jealous person. The insecurities creeped into my being. I became the one asking, who's that? why this? Ugh, just thinking about it makes me nauseous. That's not who I was and definitely not who I am.

"This too shall pass" is what I have lived by, but in my thirties I have learned, yeah things pass, but if you don't learn and grow and possibly change from the experience, it will come again. I was suffering from the same thing, time after time, and felt clueless as to how I could deal with it. I suffered from my ex's jealousy and conformed to what he wanted each time we fought, giving up friends and family, and eventually myself. Thinking that I had remedied the situation, but the problems kept arising.

Through my awakening, I learned to let go of what he thought, and take on how I felt. In order to change the situation, I had to change how I dealt with it. At first I would ignore whatever accusation was thrown my way, then I would scream and yell trying to prove my innocence, at last I realized I didn't need to prove anything! I am who I am, and I love it, so it was a take it or leave it!

As I move on, I realize that although the green-eyed monster may resurface, I have learned not to feed it and wait for it to go back into hibernation. Some form of jealousy can be healthy for a relationship, but once it becomes bigger than the love, it is damaging! The way I figure, I want to be in a relationship that we could rest our shoulders and know that being our true selves is a given! Whether or not I will find that is left to be seen.