Green-Eyed Monster

As a teenager, I thought jealousy just meant your boyfriend really liked you and didn't want anyone else getting in the middle of that. I remember always being questioned about why I was so close to so and so, or why did I seem overly excited to see what's his name. Never understanding why I was being questioned, when all I wanted was him. Nothing or no one else mattered to me, but I always ended up feeling bad and judging my behavior, wondering if I had done something wrong.

As a grown ass woman, I learned it was never about me. It was all about his insecurities. He was projecting on me whatever he was doing. No mattered how I changed or did things his way, he always had a problem with me.

Jealousy makes people do crazy shit! It can infuriate people, and have them act a fool. It can make them read into things in a certain way, that feeds whatever they're jealous about. For example, he would question me about why I was trying to look cute, who was I trying to impress. (As many of you know, I always look cute! lol) He used to fight people he felt disrespected him (I naively thought it was to protect my honor...ha!) I internalized his actions of jealousy and became a jealous person. The insecurities creeped into my being. I became the one asking, who's that? why this? Ugh, just thinking about it makes me nauseous. That's not who I was and definitely not who I am.

"This too shall pass" is what I have lived by, but in my thirties I have learned, yeah things pass, but if you don't learn and grow and possibly change from the experience, it will come again. I was suffering from the same thing, time after time, and felt clueless as to how I could deal with it. I suffered from my ex's jealousy and conformed to what he wanted each time we fought, giving up friends and family, and eventually myself. Thinking that I had remedied the situation, but the problems kept arising.

Through my awakening, I learned to let go of what he thought, and take on how I felt. In order to change the situation, I had to change how I dealt with it. At first I would ignore whatever accusation was thrown my way, then I would scream and yell trying to prove my innocence, at last I realized I didn't need to prove anything! I am who I am, and I love it, so it was a take it or leave it!

As I move on, I realize that although the green-eyed monster may resurface, I have learned not to feed it and wait for it to go back into hibernation. Some form of jealousy can be healthy for a relationship, but once it becomes bigger than the love, it is damaging! The way I figure, I want to be in a relationship that we could rest our shoulders and know that being our true selves is a given! Whether or not I will find that is left to be seen.