Emotions run high from time to time. Got me wondering what now? I'm young, single and fabulous! ;) How do I go on with my life, while nurturing my children's life? I was in another world for twenty years and now I walk into one in which guys just push up on you at the club without even asking you to dance and I'm supposed to feel what? Honored? Ha! I'm not sure how it all works nor am I certain I want to know, but at some point I do have to play my hand. It has been great getting to know me, but then I start to think about how amazing it would be to have someone to share that with. Solitaire isn't going to cut it as my kids grow and leave the nest, which is looming in the near future.
How do I go on not knowing or trusting what others' intentions are? Seems like everyone has a hidden agenda. I know that's not true, but it feels that way. I worry about changing or interrupting my relationship with my kids. Will I find someone worth bringing into the dynamic? My kids are protective of their mama and would think it awkward if there was mama and a boyfriend, which is probably a small part of the reason I stayed married past the point of no return. But then I think, they are grown and need to be realistic. Why would you want mama to be alone? It's not about needing a man! It's about companionship and friendship. Plus, I talk a lot, and need a actual person to listen. lol
After learning about who I am and what I like, there is no sacrificing. I learned that love should be about loving the essence of a person, so why change that? I don't want a soul mate! I want to keep my soul. Giving up my soul, made me blind to what was happening to me all in the name of love. I want to be wide awake! I want to revel in the love, not drown in it! I am who I am, so it's a take it or leave it situation.
In the meantime, I am going try word games.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Hang on To Inspiration!
Trying to stay positive and strong is always hard. You have to work on it, surround yourself with good people, purge negative thoughts by writing or talking about it, and then recharge your energy by finding inspiration. Once you've found things that inspire you, hang on to it! Hang on to the people that help you stay strong. Listen to songs that give you strength. Do the things that feed your spirit. About ten years ago, as I read the pages of Essence magazine, I came across a poem that spoke to me and got the balls rolling. I've held on to it over the years and reread it to reassure that I am doing the right thing. I wanted to share it, so that maybe it will give others as much strength as it did me.
No More 'Smalling Up' of ME
No more meekly saying yes
when my heart is screaming no
No more taming of my feelings
so my power won't show
No more hiding my exuberance
from disapproving eyes
No more watering down myself
so my spirit won't rise
No more 'smalling up' of me
pretending I'm not here
No more running from the music
and the spotlight's glare
No more living in this prison
barricaded by my fears
No more turning and retreating
in the face of new frontiers.
Even as I am speaking
I am taking shape and form
harnessing my powers
like a gathering storm
There's no obstacle so bold
as to dare stand in my way
I am taking back my life
and I am doing it today.
By Jean Wilson
Even rewriting it got me going for the day!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Do Something!
My old school parents never wanted me to ride bikes because I was a girl, but I taught myself how to ride a two wheeler without permission and have scrapes and scars to prove it. I hated doing dishes as a child, so I used to break dishes on purpose (Not recommended, I did get many a slaps from my dad for this one), but I ended up losing that chore. My mother's cooking although delicious to me now, was not for my adolescent palette at twelve, so I learned how to cook my own dinner. It was the feeling of being sick and tired that forced me to do something about what was frustrating me.
When I was younger, I would stumble on my words when people talked to me. My mother used to nudge me to speak up because folks couldn't hear my mumbles of hello. I don't know what it was that made me shy or stutter when I reacted to people, especially new people. I would get self-conscious right before I said something and my words would come out in a whisper or I would end up mouthing what I wanted to say. Feeling embarrassed, I would walk away with my head down. I know most of you are thinking, "What? Not her! She can't stop talking!" LOL 'Tis true, you can't get me to shut up, but it was also true that I had trouble expressing myself. I was sick and tired of walking away from people feeling dumb, so I forced myself to do something about it. I took a job at Jordan Marsh, what is now Macy's. (I know I'm aging myself, but whatevaaaaa...living life means aging!) Anyway, I was a sales associate and had to greet and assist all kinds of people. My first few days was a struggle to say the least. I remember customers asking me to repeat myself or even laughing at my hesitation to speak. It was frustrating each day, but I would evaluate what I did, how I could do better and eventually I was at the top of my game. Hence, the constant running of my mouth! HA!
Now whenever I sense that feeling coming on, I do something about it. Somethings take me a while to figure out exactly what to do about it, others are an easy fix. For example, I hate laundry piling up, so I do a couple of loads once a week. I hate a messy house, so I straighten out a few things each day. I used to feel like I didn't have enough time in the day to do things I wanted after all the needs were covered, so I shut down the television, (A HUGE time sucker folks, turn it off and do something!) Instead of complaining about it, I change how I react to the situation, and something positive always come out of it.
Issues, big or small, that we may have, and we will have them, doesn't necessarily have to slow us down or hold us back. When we do something about it, we feel empowered and our lives are that much more enriched.
When I was younger, I would stumble on my words when people talked to me. My mother used to nudge me to speak up because folks couldn't hear my mumbles of hello. I don't know what it was that made me shy or stutter when I reacted to people, especially new people. I would get self-conscious right before I said something and my words would come out in a whisper or I would end up mouthing what I wanted to say. Feeling embarrassed, I would walk away with my head down. I know most of you are thinking, "What? Not her! She can't stop talking!" LOL 'Tis true, you can't get me to shut up, but it was also true that I had trouble expressing myself. I was sick and tired of walking away from people feeling dumb, so I forced myself to do something about it. I took a job at Jordan Marsh, what is now Macy's. (I know I'm aging myself, but whatevaaaaa...living life means aging!) Anyway, I was a sales associate and had to greet and assist all kinds of people. My first few days was a struggle to say the least. I remember customers asking me to repeat myself or even laughing at my hesitation to speak. It was frustrating each day, but I would evaluate what I did, how I could do better and eventually I was at the top of my game. Hence, the constant running of my mouth! HA!
Now whenever I sense that feeling coming on, I do something about it. Somethings take me a while to figure out exactly what to do about it, others are an easy fix. For example, I hate laundry piling up, so I do a couple of loads once a week. I hate a messy house, so I straighten out a few things each day. I used to feel like I didn't have enough time in the day to do things I wanted after all the needs were covered, so I shut down the television, (A HUGE time sucker folks, turn it off and do something!) Instead of complaining about it, I change how I react to the situation, and something positive always come out of it.
Issues, big or small, that we may have, and we will have them, doesn't necessarily have to slow us down or hold us back. When we do something about it, we feel empowered and our lives are that much more enriched.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
To Thine Own Self Be True!
I got out of work today, went for my two hour walk/run listening to my music, got home to cook some dinner that I wanted to eat (baked pork chops, mashed potatoes w/sauteed mushrooms and onions...mmm) and made myself a peachy keen daiquiri! Life is good! I love being with me! Every step I take is a step that I want, not worrying about anything or anyone. It has been great getting to know me. It has been like in the movie "The Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts, when she tries all the eggs to figure out what she likes, because previously she liked whatever style of eggs her boyfriend liked. I'm figuring out what I like and loving it!
It takes time to learn who you are, what you like and what you are about, but once you got it, there is no shame in your game! Feeling comfortable in one's own skin doesn't come easy and many struggle trying to find that comfort. But I know for sure, if you are stunted in any way from who you truly are, your spirit will either fight to be free or will wither and die.
Many live by "I'm supposed to..." Many of us stay in lives that are making us miserable because of what people might say. To that I say, "Who Cares?" You might be the talk of the town for a stint, then folks forget all about you. So, who cares if they don't agree with your choices! Who cares if they don't like how you do things! Who cares if they don't understand what you're about. Life is hard enough without us making it more difficult. We need to do the things that make us happy. Hey, if I get a kick out of doing the simplest thing like going for a two hour walk whenever I feel like it then so be it!
It takes time to learn who you are, what you like and what you are about, but once you got it, there is no shame in your game! Feeling comfortable in one's own skin doesn't come easy and many struggle trying to find that comfort. But I know for sure, if you are stunted in any way from who you truly are, your spirit will either fight to be free or will wither and die.
Many live by "I'm supposed to..." Many of us stay in lives that are making us miserable because of what people might say. To that I say, "Who Cares?" You might be the talk of the town for a stint, then folks forget all about you. So, who cares if they don't agree with your choices! Who cares if they don't like how you do things! Who cares if they don't understand what you're about. Life is hard enough without us making it more difficult. We need to do the things that make us happy. Hey, if I get a kick out of doing the simplest thing like going for a two hour walk whenever I feel like it then so be it!
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