Morning Glory

I never realized how much my past affected my present, and will inevitably affect my future, until I realized who I have now become just this morning.  Once I separated and eventually divorced, I told myself, never again!  Never will I give myself up for the sake of love.   I went on a journey to discover what I was about and what I enjoyed.  I enjoyed seeing the world through my eyes, uninhibited by the opinions of someone who held me hostage mentally.  I thrived and I enjoyed getting to know the me that had been screaming inside.  As I woke up this morning, I realized that I was still a hostage.  Reflecting upon my actions, I have noticed that I am meticulous at time with choices I make so that I wouldn't be judged.  Other times I am cold and won't let emotions get me caught up.  Although there are times of freedom, the times that I am truly unrepressed which is when I am the happiest, these times are short lived.  I check myself and hold back.  I stand stubbornly strong with the idea of never again.  Never again will a man choose for me.  Never again will a man dictate my life or who I am, never again will I care for someone more than I care for myself.  The fear of losing myself is still within me.  I try to combat all the signs of the past by standing my ground. As these "never agains" resurface and stunt my growth, I become bitter.  I also become wishy washy as to what I want, questioning if I am truly happy and if I am, will the guards I have let down to be so, comeback and kick me in the ass.
Caught in the tangles of experiences of good and bad, I stand still.  I haven't written in a while, confused by the fog in my mind of what I truly want.  This post may seem vague, but mimics the mental struggles of learning from a life lived and a life I strive for.  Naming the struggle, admitting that I am still held hostage, ironically has me feeling a bit liberated this morning.   Maybe now as I recognize my patterns and fears,  I can flourish.

Shine!

It's hard to look back at the person I was and admit that I had low self-esteem.   I don't know if it was because of the way I was raised...to be modest and humble, or if it was because of years of dimming my light so not to upset his, maybe it's influenced by both, but I was always shying away from notice or doubting my self worth.  I wore a hard outer shell, which never allowed for anyone to get too close.  The tough exterior hid the timid, fragile being that rested in silence on the inside.  As the years added up, I built a road that led me to self sufficiency and strength.  Through reflection, learning and perseverance, I was able to build confidence. With each stepping stone, I became more aware of my light, and was eager to let it shine.   I may have a funny stroll, but I walk on proudly.  I may stumble over my words, but as many of you know, I keep talking.  The small changes freed me to become comfortable with me.  As I showed glimpses of my light, by just sharing some lessons learned or just by doing my thing, I was surprised to see how people reacted around me.  These small changes I thought I was making for myself, encouraged others.  Who knew?
I have now come to a point where I don't want to cower so I'm not noticed.  Seeing folks smile, or their moods changing for the better, makes me feel good.  When we finally let our own light shine, it inspires others to let their own shine!

In The Shower

I don't know what it is, but as soon as I hit the shower, ideas pour out as if it was the water itself washing over me.  I think from one area of my life to the next.  Ideas that if I had a pen would be seen as profound!  Is profound to deep of a word for me to use about myself?   Shit, I even check myself, and wonder if I am worthy of such words.  Then it got me to thinking, why am I scared of my own brilliance?

I have come to terms with how I lived for so long.   I had practiced and succeeded in dimming my light.   So much so, that now when those ideas seep through my being, I reject and question who am I?  The ideas are uplifting me, and I would hope would uplift others, but I shy away from putting myself out there.  Who am I to do so?
The shower is the one place that no one interrupts my train of thought.  It is the one place that I can be one with the universe and receive the gifts.  Today I found myself laughing at the thought of my life.  People always say being your true self is the only way to be happy, and yet pressures have us succumbing to an idea of what life should be.  Is it selfish of me to want to be myself?  My roles in life dictate who I am, and yet the strength within fights those roles so that I may enjoy me in our physical presence on earth.  I always feel bad or guilty if I don't pick up a phone call from my children while I am writing, so I pick up, and lose my ideas.  Should I jump back in the shower?  Naaah, I'm already very prunny.
Back to those ideas...when will I ever be ready to let my light truly shine?  I have been sitting on a book for most of my life.  It wakes me up at night.  I have written many chapters, yet I let it sit.  I read and reread it, not ready to let it out to the world.  People always ask me, what am I waiting for?  If your not an artist, you won't understand.  Artistry is part of your being.  What if it is not accepted?  What if people don't like it?  What if I am putting too much out there for the world to judge?  What if?  What if...has me a bit stifled.  Although, deep down within me, I know I will be ready one day, as with anything, there is a time and place.   I appease the writer within by writing this blog, or keeping so busy that I don't stop to think about it.  Yet, it lives and breathes.  I'm just hoping that I find strength to let it grow and flourish as it has already germinated.

Shifting My Gears!

I started out my new school year with much enthusiasm and excitement.  After only a month, my gears are starting to downshift and I'm not liking where it's going.  Life is overwhelming me and I feel as though I am holding my head above water, just enough to take a small breath.  I tend to quiet myself, avoiding others so that I could regain my strength.   I become pensive and others start to wonder about my usual cheery self.  I am trying to counter act all the negatives pulling me down with the positives that I usually find to hold me up, but at this point I need to look for reinforcements!!!

Different avenues for inspiration always seem to find its way to me.  Or maybe I open myself up to such opportunities, but I use the forces to help me move on.  I remember a few years back, I was in tears, but still forced myself to go to the gym.  As I walked on the treadmill, trying to psych myself out for a run, I looked up reading the T-shirt of the girl in front of me.  It said, "Life Goes On!" I laughed out loud, thinking "I know this," but yet I was caught up in self pity that I couldn't get out of my own way.   I ran for 20 minutes, confident in knowing that I was going to get through.

And now, I find myself confused about how to deal or change how things are going.  I feel pulled in many directions and feel obligated to be a certain way, basically type cast in a responsible mother role.  Although many things around me are changing, I feel stagnant and afraid to move.

The other night I was watching television, which I rarely do, but it was that kind of a day.  I caught the end of Iyanla: Fix My Life.  Each episode is about Iyanla helping others solve their problems.  After she summarized the process of that particular episode, she closed the show with her tag line, "Through muddy waters....Stay in peace, not pieces."  Just that few minutes reminded me that I am at peace, even through tribulations.  I am comfortable in my own skin and confident in my skills.
What ever it is, it shall be, and I will be okay, maybe even better on the other side of it!