Shifting My Gears!

I started out my new school year with much enthusiasm and excitement.  After only a month, my gears are starting to downshift and I'm not liking where it's going.  Life is overwhelming me and I feel as though I am holding my head above water, just enough to take a small breath.  I tend to quiet myself, avoiding others so that I could regain my strength.   I become pensive and others start to wonder about my usual cheery self.  I am trying to counter act all the negatives pulling me down with the positives that I usually find to hold me up, but at this point I need to look for reinforcements!!!

Different avenues for inspiration always seem to find its way to me.  Or maybe I open myself up to such opportunities, but I use the forces to help me move on.  I remember a few years back, I was in tears, but still forced myself to go to the gym.  As I walked on the treadmill, trying to psych myself out for a run, I looked up reading the T-shirt of the girl in front of me.  It said, "Life Goes On!" I laughed out loud, thinking "I know this," but yet I was caught up in self pity that I couldn't get out of my own way.   I ran for 20 minutes, confident in knowing that I was going to get through.

And now, I find myself confused about how to deal or change how things are going.  I feel pulled in many directions and feel obligated to be a certain way, basically type cast in a responsible mother role.  Although many things around me are changing, I feel stagnant and afraid to move.

The other night I was watching television, which I rarely do, but it was that kind of a day.  I caught the end of Iyanla: Fix My Life.  Each episode is about Iyanla helping others solve their problems.  After she summarized the process of that particular episode, she closed the show with her tag line, "Through muddy waters....Stay in peace, not pieces."  Just that few minutes reminded me that I am at peace, even through tribulations.  I am comfortable in my own skin and confident in my skills.
What ever it is, it shall be, and I will be okay, maybe even better on the other side of it!

Help!

As a little girl, my mother didn't do much for me. She guided me, but I did the rest. If I didn't know how to do something, I would ask questions, observe and then apply to my situation. Simple things like setting my hair in rollers to unclogging a toilet or bathtub, became things that I could do, and never had to ask for help. When I became a mother, I knew how to do many things to hold down a fort, to a fault. I am wonderwoman! I would work things out and situations would end up better than expected, because of my creative effort. This characteristic has helped me and helps me survive in many ways. The mind-set I work in is always a positive one. I always believe that I'll work it out. (Don't get me wrong...at times frustrations do take over.) Over the years I have added to my "toolbox" and now feel confident in my skills. Now to speak on this "To a fault" is what has lead me to sometimes being overwhelmed. I believe that I can get everything done for myself and others, but why do I do it? Why am I so stubborn that I can't ask for help? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I have always said that people need people. That's why we have family, friends, cohorts of people around us. I believe this, but yet have a hard time reaching out. I'm trying to work on that starting with my grown children, who sees the wonderwoman and think I'm good, while I'm thinking...Nah I really don't need anything else to do. I want to be one of those people Barbara Streisand sings about in Funny Girl, "People." "People, People who need people, are the luckiest people in the world." After all, wonderwoman had the justice league.

Drink in the Moments!

It can always be worse! Life gives us lemons and most of us try our best to make lemonade, but others sulk in the misery of the bitter taste. If I stop a moment and let life's to do's and got to's sink in I would drown. Although sometimes I feel I am just at the surface with my head above water, at the very least I can swim! Problems will come and go. If it's not one thing, it's another. We all know this! So why is it that when those problems arise, some of us lose it, letting our problems control us. Our attitudes change. Our actions are lead by emotions, which may mean that we just cussed out our bffs or yelled at our mothers, (God forbid!)
Sometimes problems are out of our control and sit in the hands of others that may or may not realize they are tampering with our happiness and peace. What can we do? Well, if we can't change it, move on. Find other ways to solve the problem. Get help if necessary. I know this is a difficult task, being one of those stubborn "I got this" women. Which is ironic, because I'm a strong believer in the fact that people that come into, and some may stay, in your life are the people God intends for us, as He intends us for them.

I can sit here and write about my issues that swirl around me as we "speak", but I will spare you, and myself for that matter, because as my fore-mentioned statement "it can always be worse." I'm chillin' with some mimosas, waiting for my chicken and mushroom frittata to be ready. My kitchen smells delectable, my heater is purring keeping me warm, and my children (my grown ass children) are within earshot, minus Sam who is at school working hard on another successful dean's list worthy semester. What more can I ask for?

Make the lemonade, dress it up with umbrellas and garnish, even if we have to spike it from time to time, but remember it can always be worst.

Unraveling Our Gift!

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho


I believe that we each have an inherent gift. It is that thing that we live and breathe. That thing that we can't stop thinking or talking about. It is that thing that strengthens us and makes us feel good. That thing that may even make us a little scared if we put it out there for the world to see. There are born leaders. Those whom people feel comfortable and confident following. There are born nurturers. Those who will reach out to those in need without question and want everyone to be ok. They may even overlook their own needs. There are those who are fortunate enough to figure out their gift early in life, and those who struggle to find what their purpose, but once they find it...oh what a joyful noise!

It is within me that my writing lives. I eat, sleep, and play writing. No matter how much I may ignore the words, until I write it down, my mind stays boggled with ideas. Sometimes I need to be by the water in my thoughts to settle the words and see what comes out. Words follow me everywhere. I see things in prose or poetry. When I was 15 years old I decided that I wanted to be a published writer and had a title for my book. I wanted the book to be about my life, but was thinking how boring my book would be with only fifteen years under my belt and I hadn't much experienced life. So I wrote down my title, illustrated my cover and left it in a folder for when I was ready. As I lived, the book stayed tucked away inside me.

When I thought I was ready, I stumbled getting some pages done, but couldn't work through the emotions long enough to stay focused. I had to reflect on how and what I was doing that made the process so difficult. Sometimes we need to silence influences around us in order to understand how our spirit is guiding us. At times we may have people around us that may stunt that gift. They may be pessimistic or nonbelievers in what is truly within us to do, and may go as far as to stifle us. These are the people that we need to keep at arms length or if necessary cut out of our lives. As we enter yet another new year, we need to reflect on what we need to change, keep constant or consistent or add on to our lives in order to unravel our gift. My life has taken me on interesting twists and turns and have given me fuel to pen my world and soon will help me accomplish my 23 year old dream. True freedom is being able to realize that gift.