Hold On...

How hard is it to hold true to self when in a relationship? I understand compromising and adjusting to make relationships work, but when is it too much? I think about how folks are attracted to the essence of another, but as soon as they are in a relationship, each one starts to change to conform, thinking that they are helping the relationship. Or as with many relationships, many try to change their partner to better fit their needs or ideas of what they want in a relationship. As a result, sooner or later down the line, one or both people become resentful or are no longer fulfilled in the relationship leading to a breakdown and/or breakups.
As we enter into relationships, we enter in a way that has been affected by previous relationships. Some folks are timid and careful, several go in fully, while others even go in knowing that there is no future in it. Past hurts become present lesson learned and many times building blocks to walls built for protection from those same hurts. Past hurts also work to help us recognize patterns into what can happen in the new relationship, hence the timidness. Depending on how we have dealt with the hurts, it can hurt or help the new relationship.
As we grow and learn about each other, we might be bothered by idiosyncrasies, which, by the way, we once thought was cute, and speak on it. "Why do you always do that?" becoming "Can you not do that!?" Or we might even have disagreements on certain things that we hold dear, like our values, ideals or even on how to best rear children, leading to one hushing their own feelings to make peace. So where does that leave us?
Relationships are important! We should have that one person that knows the inner workings of our being. It's also nice to have someone that you can share and chill with, and is available to you. But, how do we hold on to ourselves and not end up by ourselves?

And You Know This Maaaan!

When we get shocking news, like Whitney Houston is dead at 48, we are then reminded that life is short! (May she rest in peace!) What is it about the way we live, that we forget and take for granted those things that are the most important, like spending time with family and friends, or the fact that we are able to rise up out of our bed and see what the day holds? We make excuses as to why we can't do the simplest thing like paying attention to our life. Many can't see past their own pain and as a result disregard the presence of joy in other things around them. Our own life gets in the way!

Growing up my family was close. So close that we all lived on the same street, for a time the same house. Together my family bought a six family house to house the growing clan. We started to spread out as we got older, but my grandparents remained the center fixture that brought us back together at the end of each day or at least weekends and definitely holidays. We did everything together! I went to high school with so many of my cousins, I believed that that was what everybody did. (I don't know if that's saying much, since we Cape Verdeans are all related...lol) My friends were my cousins. My mother repeatedly said, "If they didn't, you couldn't!" The presence of family was always all around me. My grandparents wanted it that way! After they passed, my family wasn't the same. There was no center to unite us. Everyone was doing their own thing, putting on the back burner what we were accustomed to most of our lives. It wasn't until after our youngest uncle passed unexpectedly, at forty nine years of age, that most of us realized how we neglected our bond. We regained our composure as family and had to plan to get together to insure that we continued what was important to us, FAMILY! We started monthly brunches and other get togethers. It does take effort, but it is all the more worth it, because once we get together we don't want to part!

It is in death that we are reminded of those things that we knew were important to us. We all know that life is short. We all know that our time is precious. We all know that we are not promised tomorrow. Set aside prejudice and pettiness, grudges and grief, and take hold of friendship and family, peace and love. In the end we all want the same thing, to love and be loved.
Let's not wait until we lose some one.

Unraveling Our Gift!

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho


I believe that we each have an inherent gift. It is that thing that we live and breathe. That thing that we can't stop thinking or talking about. It is that thing that strengthens us and makes us feel good. That thing that may even make us a little scared if we put it out there for the world to see. There are born leaders. Those whom people feel comfortable and confident following. There are born nurturers. Those who will reach out to those in need without question and want everyone to be ok. They may even overlook their own needs. There are those who are fortunate enough to figure out their gift early in life, and those who struggle to find what their purpose, but once they find it...oh what a joyful noise!

It is within me that my writing lives. I eat, sleep, and play writing. No matter how much I may ignore the words, until I write it down, my mind stays boggled with ideas. Sometimes I need to be by the water in my thoughts to settle the words and see what comes out. Words follow me everywhere. I see things in prose or poetry. When I was 15 years old I decided that I wanted to be a published writer and had a title for my book. I wanted the book to be about my life, but was thinking how boring my book would be with only fifteen years under my belt and I hadn't much experienced life. So I wrote down my title, illustrated my cover and left it in a folder for when I was ready. As I lived, the book stayed tucked away inside me.

When I thought I was ready, I stumbled getting some pages done, but couldn't work through the emotions long enough to stay focused. I had to reflect on how and what I was doing that made the process so difficult. Sometimes we need to silence influences around us in order to understand how our spirit is guiding us. At times we may have people around us that may stunt that gift. They may be pessimistic or nonbelievers in what is truly within us to do, and may go as far as to stifle us. These are the people that we need to keep at arms length or if necessary cut out of our lives. As we enter yet another new year, we need to reflect on what we need to change, keep constant or consistent or add on to our lives in order to unravel our gift. My life has taken me on interesting twists and turns and have given me fuel to pen my world and soon will help me accomplish my 23 year old dream. True freedom is being able to realize that gift.

Since When?

Growing up, I never realized my parents' financial status. We were clothed, fed and loved in a warm home with family all around us. My parents, who came to this country with nothing much, except for will and determination, became laborers to support their family. They came from Cape Verde, a poor country in which most of the food had to be imported from other countries. They worked hard and knew that with family support and education, we would be okay. I was happy, oblivious to the effort that they put forth to ensure that my brother and I had our basic needs met. For birthdays and at Christmas time we received gifts that made us happy, unbeknown to us, it was what they could afford. I remember waking up to a large, fuzzy, brown teddy bear on my eleventh birthday morning. It was my most valued treasure for a long time. For Christmas, we got a few new clothes, shoes and socks that would sustain us through the winter months. Although now I am aware of how they struggled, I am proud of how they succeeded in keeping our family together and happy.

With the holiday upon us, and advertisers shoving "must haves" down our throat, I was compelled to reflect at what this time of year has become. Since when did it become okay to ask for what we want for Christmas? I thought it was the gesture and thought that we put into giving someone special something special. Since when did buying expensive gifts for children who don't know the worth of anything become a trend? Children having the nerve to ask for Uggs or Northface, but yet not put any effort to earn much of anything. Since when did putting ourselves in further debt to fulfill holiday demands become acceptable? I know lots of folks who think that their tax money will go towards the hole they dug during Christmas. Since when did our love become measured by material things? If we don't give gifts to everyone we love, do we love them any less?

This time of year is about giving of yourself. We all have special talents or something to offer. We should be able to ask someone if they need help. Spend sometime with someone who is alone or lonely. Listen to a child talk about what they wonder about. Look up people that we wonder how they are doing. Comfort someone who feels overwhelmed. (With our economy, this wouldn't be hard to find.) It is the time spent with people that fill us with love and excitement. Material things get old and lose their value, but the relationships we build are, you guessed it, priceless! The relationships that my family maintained through the years, through trials and tribulation, make me feel rich! I am blessed to have so many loved one, who are actually part of my life. I love them and feel loved!

I'm not doing the bah hum bug thing, but damn do we really need to get frantic about gift giving to the point where it becomes depressing. We need to reinforce the value of love, family and friendship, no matter what kind of boots we have on!